Mortality

I've been reading Xenocide, by Orson Scott Card, tonight. I was planning on going to bed around 10ish. Well, that didn't seem to work:)

Some of the ideas and characters presented in these books are very emotionally straining on me for some reason. I often wonder how I can tear up at a stupid story. I've always been impressed by peoples abilities to pull on heart strings through meer words and stories.

I am continually being challenged by my own mortality. I was thinking about how I'm turning 26 in one week. I often ponder who I may have affected in the first 26 years of my life that would care if I were here or not. Of course, then I start to think of the people that I love.

The people that have affected me in such a way that I would truly mourn their passing into whatever may be after death. (Don't even get me started on life after death as this has become a serious question of my faith recently)

How is it that we get to be where we are and not continually try to be with the ones we love. I have such emotional controll over my life that I can sit here now and talk about these things with you, that I may never have to bring them up with the people that I trully care about. Sometimes I wish I were more in touch with my feelings that I could just do stuff without thinking of consequences. Or maybe I don't think of consequences correctly and so I don't allow my emotional to help me decide things. Overall I think I have a rather boring life. Won't someone help me?

Sometimes I wish I could not have self doubt and/or fear of rejection. I often wonder if I could live by some of the advice I give or if it's all just a lie.

A man described me as a punk thinker last night. i.e. punk because of my blue hair, and thinker because of my glasses. I think that maybe I'm just trying to get new experiences. Do I not shave my beard because I think it might make me more attractive to the women I want to meet? or do I not shave my beard because I'm lazy?

What do I want? I know that I need to find someone who won't judge me for my online journal. I am looking for what everyone is looking for. Someone who can accept me for who I am, even when I'm trying to be cute and humorous and it comes out as disgusting and inappropriate. Someone who I don't have sexually repulsive:) All other points can be discussed-