Who am I, Who I am...

I am an INFJ to the deepest meaning of the word it seems. I will keep you all at arms length. Will you know who I am, besides who I show you? Will I let you see the little boy that will do anything to protect himself from being hurt? No, probably not. There are a million walls to my heart and I can only show you part of it at any one time.

Love to me is letting her in. Caring to the point of being utterly destroyed when she dies. Finding a life worth loving and doing everything within my power to love that woman. I will let her see who I am and hope that she can love me for that and will trust her completely to be gentle. Finding a life worth loving and doing everything imaginable to maintain that love.

Moving back from love is where I exist in daily life. There are the walls and the disappointment when the person dies, but no personal suffering. Protection from the caring. Protection from the guilt of not being able to give people money to get back on their feet. Protection from the guilt of not being able to care for the most basic of human needs of those in need. Numbness in all that is my life. Approaching on the ability to feel nothing, thus destroying any happiness and any pain.

Removing people from my heart is ALWAYS painful. I have found only 1 way. Remove them from my life. Move the walls back in place in my heart. It doesn't work though. I can think of no girl that actually found my love that I have truly been able to remove. My being longs for them to say they love me. To come to me and see the man I will be and love me for that. I long for acceptance with all my being and have never removed a girl from my heart that I have loved.

Unfortunately, to date, that means that every girl I have ever loved has been removed from my life, indefinitely. If we hang out, it is never in the capacity that I will allow myself to be seen, not in the capacity that they have known me.

I hide behind the walls, because I am truly a little boy that cares beyond my ability and am hurt immeasurably by the smallest pin prick. I'm sensitive, be careful with me, because I'd like to stay that way. I know it makes me a pussy and undesirable by any woman looking for strong offspring, but it is who I am with all my flaws, and it may be the only Tim that I will ever be.

Understandably heartbroken-
Tim

Currently listening to "Mad World" by Gary Jules
Currently discussing political issues on "An Idea Exchange"