what do I want?

What am I looking for? What do I want out of life? What type of person am I attracted to? When should I tell someone about this blog? How do I read a woman? Why do I want to be in a relationship? Why do I want to be loved? Does swallowing your feelings actually make you sick? Where am I supposed to be on my life cycle?

I thought I was supposed to be married right now. I was supposed to be in the middle of a career (on top of that one, almost). I was supposed to have a wife that loved me, that I could protect and love. Someone to face lifes challenges with. Someone I could call home to if I was going to be late. Someone to take out for a night on the town. Someone to admire and hope with. Right now, I don't knok what I want. Someone once told me that as soon as you stop looking, that's when you find it. I call bullshit. I tried that for 25 years, and where did it get me? I now know that sex w/o love isn't fun either. Well, it might be fun, but I know I tend to feel more than most guys, so maybe I just set myself up.

Here's the real question. How much of myself should I invest in someone else? When I think of selfless love and try to emulate that, I only end up feeling hurt. I think most women think of me as a "nice guy" and for that I am doomed to never be a sex object.

Am I horny? Hell yes! Do I have a person to help alleviate that? Not yet. Do I know what kind of person that could give me that kind of help? No idea. Is there a way to see the future and find out how it all turns out? Could I say, this is what I want with all my heart? Not yet.

I need to sleep some more.
Peace-
T