Happy Halloween

So cahlen and peter went and got a new router last night. So that's cool, real internet for the whole house. YAY.

DAMN LINKSYS!!! NEVER buy one of their damn routers. Ever since we got that shit home it was cutting out every couple of days, until yesterday when it cut out entirely:P

So here we are. It's nate's birthday. I have 2 parties to go to and no costume. I'll feel like a chump, but what can you do? I think I'll be wearing my white and red "Freak" hat, and maybe a shit that says freak somewhere on it. Where as my roommate karla has a full get up.

Today is also, pay bills and get oil changed day. So that's exciting:)

It's been an excellent movie week. In the past 2 days I've watched, Beautiful Girls, Amelie, and As good as it gets. I love the 2 compliments that he gives her in As good as it gets.

I'm driving to pocatello next week to drive cindy back. ROAD TRIP!!! :) YAY!!! Now I just need to make some good mix CDs:)

OK, I'll catch you on the flip side-

damn internet

The router and/or internet stopped working today:(

I have my computer directly connected to the dsl modem now. Talk about a pain in the ass.

Anyway, looks like I'll be home for my birthday after all.

Frustratingly yours-
T

Just a man

Before you judge me... Before you call me a slut... Before you hate me... remember that I am just a man.

I don't know who I am, but I know what I enjoy. time with friends, time reading my books, time spent self improving, these are some of the things I enjoy most. Travel, meeting new friends, watching a well made film, talking, kissing.

Thinking about the un-important things in life. Why are we here? What happens when we die? Is God real? Is there life after death? Is there a soul? Things that can really only be carefully considered after the basic needs are taken care of.

Lively debate with friends in a trusted environment.

These are the things I cherish, these are what make me a man...

life and all those other things

It was a very good weekend. I think that has been one of my favorite weekends in a while. time is filling up rather quickly and I should have practiced the piano more. C'est la vie.

I'll write more later today. I promise
peace-

weddings and what not

The wedding last night was nice. It was good to see a bunch of the old gang. I know that I have changed in more ways than they'd like to think about. Sometimes I wonder if I'd rather have a return to innocence.

Anyway, it turns out that my good friend Brian married Amy last month. I was really looking forward to going to their wedding. It makes me sad that we weren't able to get the contact information together so that my invite could show up and I could go to the wedding.

On the plus side, we got to set our clocks back an hour last night. So I got an extra hour of sleep. Kinda:)

Got the new Barenaked Ladies album, and so far my favorite song is 05 - for you.
Peace-

still horny

I got new tires today. And then played hella SSX 3. Anyway, I'm still horny, so I haven't been put into the "asexual" category quite yet.

Just applied to my 3 jobs for the week. Anyway, I'm going to bed early tonight. g'night-

When

I've been trying to think of the last time I really fell in love was. I think it was sophomore year of college, to a cute freshman named julie. We read each others poetry. Then I think she kinda fell for me, whcih scared the living piss out of me. So I told her that she should date the boy that had been interested in her when I showed up. Then when he broke her heart, I was the one that took her out so she could grieve. Unfortunately for me, it was too late to have her fall for me. She married this past summer. I need to call her and see about a dinner.

Since that time sophomore year, I think I've hidden my feeling better, made sure I didn't fall for them any more. I think for better or worse, I've had to lose some compassion along the way. It's also caused me to have respect for women in general. Not to say that I should put every woman I meet on a pedistal, but perhaps I shouldn't be thinking, "How can I get in her pants?" Although, before I have always not thought about getting into her pants, and that hasn't gotten me anything but a plethura of female friends. Which is good, I like female friends, but I think I'd prefer female lovers:)

All this to say that if you're my friend and you're female, there's a chance I want to get into your pants:) But not because I am in love with you :(

Catch you on the flip side-

It's 5:30 am

I had a bachelor party that I went to tonight. It was very SPU-ish. i.e. we went to dinner at TGI Fridays cause hooters was too much of a sin for some of the guys. Then we went to a comedy club. That was actually pretty fun. Comedy Underground Then we went to Goldie's, which is a "casino" here in washington. All-in-all it was a VERY mild bachelor party. Cliff drove me around for it, so I drank a little.

Funny thing is, I got home and went to bed 4 hours ago. I just woke up extremely horny like 20 minutes ago and couldn't get back to sleep. I know I need to change something in my lifestyle as I don't want to wait until I've lost my sexual drive before I hook up with a beautiful girl. I'm concerned that I may wake up one morning and not realize that I'm not hoping to have sex someday.

My thing is that there are so many diseases out there now that I'm scared to go to a bar and try to pick up a woman. For one thing, what if it turns out she's a dude? Next there's the whole disease thing to worry about. My main problem I think would be my job. I've heard jobs can be a great place to meet women. That's great, if there's more than 1 woman per 50 men.

So my friends are getting married on saturday. I'm nervous for this marriage. Anyway, maybe I can see some old friends at the wedding and try and get some dates out of it:)

Hope everyone is doing good and much less horny than I am:)
Peace out-

war

A friend sent me this link today:

http://www.truthout.org/docs_03/102303C.shtml

As part of becoming more of who I am, I share it with you. In and of the fact that I think "war is dumb". And the fact that my friend adam will be in "war torn" iraq in less than 2 weeks.

Sometimes I wonder if I should think at all. It would be so much easier to follow blindly. To stick my head in the ground and say, "I trust our leaders. They know what they're doing". But I can't. I've been in this world long enough to know the bullshit. To see the promise and then have it removed from before me.

Just thought I'd share-

men and women... again

I would have to argue that men need women more than women need men. I've heard that with long term marriages, when a wife dies the husband will surely die within a year. It's true for johnny cash.

It puzzles me, partly that women do not know the power they hold over us, partly that when they do, they become someone that we do not want to be with. Or is it that some women can use sex as a powerful weapon. Where a man can assault with sex, he can hardly ever manipulate with it. I've known men that would do just about anything to get into a womans pants.

Now I'm babbling, it's 3:30 am and I'm going to sleep.

Peace and love-

Friends

I just wanted to thank you my friends. You are my chosen family. You are the people I love, even when I hate you for what you say or do. You are the people that define who I am and who I am to become.

You are there when I have my crisis of faith and understand me when I ask you what it would mean if there was no God.

Thank you for not letting me get lonely. And allowing me to be part of your life.
Peace out-

endings and beginnings

Here it is 3am on wednesday morning. Why am I still awake? I should have been asleep hours ago. I wish I could say I was reading or playing the piano. But I've been playing video games. Distractions from the real. From the people we know and love.

Music that is on: Guster - Either way

Sleep? who needs it? I have another post to write after this one. Will I be asleep before 4 tonight? Does it even matter?

Parts of my life are coming to an end, others are beginning to blossom. Relationships change, evolve.

I AM the hurricane that is my life.

Peace-

understanding

Is it that I am so strange? Are these the thoughts of every man, woman and child? Am I alone in my wonderment? I don't think so...

I think we often all deal with these thoughts. How is that we're so scared of each other? Trust is not easily earned today.

I often ponder if we men have less or more feelings than women. I don't think we can generalize like that. It is more of a personal thing. I know people that are lonely on both sides of the fence. I also know of people that are not feeling much but just living.

I think that in my past I have turned my feelings on and off. I know when I am scared of rejection I can try and turn my feelings off until trust can be earned. At other times I find it hard to breath for as little as pondering holding a girl's hand.

Well I'm outa here-

trust

Here I am, set almost naked before you. Trusting you. Wanting to be understood.

Quietly fearing that I'll die alone. Unwanted. Untrusted. Knowing in my heart to be a good man. As best a man I can be.

I just got done reading "Speaker of the dead", Orson Scott Card's second Ender Wiggin novel. I say just, but it's been 5 hours since I went to bed at 5 and it is now 10.

I think that maybe I should have more discretion on this little blogger thing. Be more secretive. Not tell you anything. But you're my journal, at least of my thoughts and ideas. A way to quickly go back and remember the days gone by and see where my friends were and to find new friends. I think I partly publiish these knowing that no one will ever see them, but knowing someone will.

This is myself laid bare and I hope you enjoy reading it. If you can understand everything I say in these few pages you'll probably understand me as close as anyone has ever tried.
Peace out-

updates

I realized that I haven't updated you on some rather important things on my life.

Last december I started getting thirsty and would aften end up peeing about 8 times during the night. Cindy made me promise to go see a doctor as I was also losing weight w/o even trying. I promised her that if I ever hit 200 lbs that I would get insurance and go see the doctor. In may I hit 200 lbs (a whole 60 lbs less than I had been in november, and about the weight I was when I entered college) and I went and got health insurance. June 2nd I went to see the doctor. He told me that I had probably diabetes, but he wouldn't rule out cancer. So I pee'd in a cup and came back tuesday morning for my blood work to be drawn.

Friday it was confirmed that I had diabetes. About that time I went on a low/no carb diet. That lasted about 2 weeks. Now I'm on a limited carb diet. A diebetic nurse thinks I'm in my honeymoon period. No one wants to say it, but I'll probably be insulin dependent in the year. That is where you give yourself a shot of insulin before every meal.

I started working out there for a while. That's one way I can control my sugar. My buddy, Cindy, moved to idaho and I lost interest in working out. I forced my bosses to find low carb supplements for when they ordered dinner for our team while I was working. I have come to deal diabetes. When the time comes for insulin shots, I will be ready for that as well.

Now I'm on my break. Cahlen and Karla are moved into our free rooms. (see cindy and sean moving out) Peter and Dan are in love with my friends that I've asked to move in. We had a house party last friday night. It wasn't as rowdy as some of the previous parties, but it was good.

I think you're now mostly all up to date.
Signing off as your diabetic friend-

understanding

Why is it that I have trouble relating to people sometimes? Or maybe not relating, but why are people scared of me? Perhaps it is misconceptions, or maybe I am just a scary person.

What does it mean to be christian? What does it mean to be set apart? Is there something that says that boys and girls can't be friends? Even if there is sexual tension, what about the possibility of giving up on sex for the better good of keeping a friend?

I wish to be a salve that can take pain away and allow wounds to heal, but I cannot, if I am not allowed. Perhaps there is more than just that. I find great comfort in comforting others.

I know that looks matter. And I wish they didn't. I need help in the dressing department, as I don't think I dress myself well. And the female friends I have tend to agree with that.

Well, I gotta run, catch you on the flip side-

life

What is love? Baby, don't hurt me...

Sometimes my ideas of love swing wildly about and I'm left wondering what I know, or what I think I know.

I asked a girl to be my friend yesterday, but she hasn't responded. I don't know how often she checks her mail, or if it went into a trash bin automatically, or if she's scared I'll turn into a lunatic....

Can men and women just be friends? I enjoyed the ideas presented in "When harry met sally", I think they mostly are true.

I signed up for friendster the other day, but I still need to get pictures up. It seems to me, that no picture = no contacts. After all you could be some hideously ugly freak:)

OK, I'm going to go look for a plug in for a friends website...
Peace out-

depression?

They laid off the rest of my team today. 2:20pm, you're out of here. It makes me sad. Especially for cliff. I know he was looking forward to working till June and they couldn't find work for him through the winter.

Matrix 2 showed up today. So I'm going to watch that with Cliff tomorrow. I can already tell that I'm going to have trouble staying focused on music and cleaning my house and getting a job. Especially since cliff is off:)

C'est la vie...
See you around, space cowboy-

Things

It's 1:37 in the morning. All day I've been reading ender's game by Orson Scott Card. I'm 229 pages into it. I should have it finished by morning.

Of the things I know in this life, which aren't many, I know this for sure... I want to find someone to Love and to be fully Loved in return.

That's what I comes down to. I often wonder what I should be doing to find that special someone... What I might do to make someone like me... What happens if I find her and I've already screwed up my life so bad that she doesn't want me?

Why do we have a desire to be accepted? Am I a bad man? Am I a good man?

Adam is going to Iraq on October 31st. This reason enough gives me enough pain/emotion to hate my president. To realize that one of my best friends may die, and there is nothing I can do about it. Who is Saddam Hussein to me? What is Iraq? Why are we there?

I started taking piano lessons. Self improvement or masturbation?

That is all-
Tim