cool blue reason...

ahh... cake, I <3 cake big time.

Anyway, it is monday. Yesterday I hit up 2 Bar-b-ques. It was quite fun. Today is more overcast and mellow.

I'm feeling detached and in need of change. I'm hoping to go camping one of these weekends. We'll see how that goes:)

Well, I'm going to take a nap.
Catch you later-
Tim

the hot hot heat

So last night was SO hot in my room I actually woke up at 3am and had to go take a cold shower to cool off. I had a headache up till then as well, when I finally took the aleve. It's pretty damn hot tonight as well, but no headache.

It was a pretty good week so far, except for Cahlen's car getting stolen from in front of our house and my car getting prowled 2 times. (alarm went of about 30 minutes ago and wednesday night) Had a morale event for work on thursday where they reminded me why I like Texas Hold'em (it had a gambling theme)

Well, actually I've been a little moody recently and I think it might be because of the heat. Anyway, it's a 3 day weekend and I'm going to try and get some sleep now.

Laters-
Tim

I wanna go

Sometimes I just want to be picked up and whisked away on some adventure. Any takers?

another day, another crazy time at my street

Story 1:
Actors:
Me, Karla, Old guy, cigarette woman
Setting: Yesterday morning, waiting for my carpool in front of my house.
Karla shows up for school, we start talking about life in general...
Cigarette woman starts walking across the street on our side of the street,
Old man crosses to our side of the street, "S'cuse me miss, may I have a light"
Tim & Karla continue talking...
Old man get's light from cigarette woman, both proceed to walk towards pies & pints
Old man coughs... and continues to cough... old man vomits!
Tim & Karla, "WTF?!?!?!?!?!"
Old man continues walking down the street, stopping occasionally to puke
Tim & Karla continue talking...
Old man walking back towards us... "Stupid fucking mormons, find my bus pass, now I lose my wallet, fucking mormons" and pretends shooting at the side of the street

Commentary:
I have no idea where the drunk old man with no wallet came from or why he hates mormons, but I can't wait to move off this street

Story 2:
Wake up at 6:40 this morning for a run around greenlake.
Get back from greenlake, Chris is up, and downstairs,
I check my computer and have been logged out of IM, weird,
Check the internet, nothing, no connection,
Look at the router + Cable modem, no power,
"Chris, do you have power?"
"Oh no, umm, do you have any fuses? I guess the power grid didn't like that I put a single setting bulb in my triple setting lamp and blew power to my bedroom."
"No, I don't have any fuses"

Yeah, with Chris, he's "interesting" For the past few weeks he's been painting in his room every night. This of course gives me a headache which is ALWAYS fun. Anyway, ladies, if you think you want a handy man boyfriend, just make sure you know what you're getting into:)

Laters-
Tim

a little distraction

A little distraction...

They say that it's a game and that I'm a playa,
They say the goal is to not fall in love,
I thought I was in control,
I knew we didn't have much in common,
But I thought my love would suffice,
I made her my life,
She never loved me,

I drink to forget, I drink to be friendly,
I drink to be outgoing, I drink alot,

Then I met her, I know she's married,
I know I shouldn't flirt,
I know that there's a sacred bond I am not respecting,
but the distraction is nice, the feeling of being someone that people want to chat with, the feeling of desire,
so I flirt back, I don't know that it's wrong, I don't have absolutes,
I used to...

There was a time when I was saving myself for marriage,
There was a time when I believed love just happened,
There was a time I believed that once in a relationship I would be totally satisfied,
instead it turned out to bring in my self doubt, it makes me hurt,

So it's time for 1 more drink and 1 more day of trying to forget her.

Thank you for your distractions-
Tim

the introspective fool

It's weird. I'm weird. Why are the 2 feelings I have for my "ex" love and hate? Why am I always thinking about what might have been? Why can't I just say "Fuck you" and forget about her? Why do I have to be sitting here thinking about everything and nothing? Why can't I find love?

I realized last night that I am not really outgoing. I am more about working on myself and more of a loner/introvert than a social climber/partying/extrovert.

I'm sure my introvertedness is part of the reason I've only kissed 3 girls. Maybe my "ex" gave me the self assuredness for a little while, but then she told me to get the fuck out. I think that could be the reason why I hate. I'm not one to easily let my walls down and let people see the real me. I'm shy, I'm introverted, I'm not the one who makes all your friends comfortable, but once I am assured that they won't hurt me I CAN open up.

*sigh*

*hugs*
-Tim

relationships are hard

It's weird being friends with girls. Especially when the girls are really attractive. Anyway, had a dream about the ex last night. Did I tell you that our basic last correspondence was a "fuck off" from both sides of the camp?

Anyway, it's weird having my heart broken and stuff. It's like I want it to be healed but I also don't want to be the asshole guy that only wants his own needs met. I don't want to use people.

I know, I know. I tend to rant on here. I tend to be a little meloncholy on here, and although I'm quiet in real life, I'm hopefully not this meloncholy.

Hopefully :) Anyway, I saw this play today: Bach in Liepzig, it was awesome!

Catch you later-
Tim

a lovely bunch of booth babes...

So here I am. A fairly handsome (allright I'm at least working on it) 27 yr old man in las angeles. I spend most of my days going to a conference about video games and taking pictures of booth babes. As one guy put it, "It doesn't get any better than prostitutes and video games."

Anyway, It's 2:30am. I'll see you guys in seattle-
Tim

so tired...

Well, it's only 11pm, but I'm exhausted. I was in line from about 10am - 11:30am. I am the navigator for my car, so that's fun, but my driver is a little crazy, which is good, because everyone in LA is crazy.

OK, I hope everyone is good. I'm off to sleep. Tomorrow is starwars.
Laters-
Tim

bring on the booth babes

Well, I'm off to e3 tonight. Due to my grammie dying last week, I will not be working the show, which is just fine by me. I will be taking plenty of photos and be learning about the new video games:) I hope everyone is doing well and has a good week. I'll hopefully get some time on the LA beach later this week:) Anyway, I'm off.

Catch you on the flip side-
Tim

sleepy drunk

So today was the baseball game. It was fun. I went running around greenlake and I walked around the Safeco field. Tomorrow is dinner, at least I think it is. Then tuesday I fly off to LA. I'm emotionally and physically spent. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do right now, so I'm just going to work hard and do my best. As far as romance is concerned, I have no idea.

Anyway, I'm off to sleep. Have a great night-
Tim

back in seattle...

So the drive back was un-eventful. I'm trying to decide whether or not a female housemate is a good or bad idea right now. I know that the more I hang out with someone the more attractive they become.

Anyway, I need to sleep. Sorry this is so short. Thanks for all the love today. You guys rock-
Tim

a little white trash...

So I know a little bit of my family history. It's weird seeing the old photos and knowing that the whole life cycle is all repetitive. It's weird hearing about the men my grammie dated and how I'm similar and different from them.

I've come to realize that my life has been altered from me losing my virginity. I know that I will always be changed by her and know that there's not much I can do about my personal feelings. She says I don't respect her, which may be true. I have no concept of how I interact with others. Although I knew this time last year that I would someday be in the position that I'm in now. I saw it in all her ex-boyfriends, and I saw it in me. An unrequited love. This will somehow overshadow my love life for a while. How can I possibly ask someone to love me when I don't know if I can be totally in love with them? How'd they say in that old song? 'The first cut is the deepest'? Damn, that sucks....

And then there's the dilemma, do I switch? Do I take what I can get and f*ck the rest? Do I continue to care about "her" feelings? Do I harden my shell and become less sensitive?

I don't think I would ever do that. I'm sorry that I had to go through it. Thank you for your time-
Tim

xbox 360 and old people

So today was about as fun as eye surgery. Tomorrow looks to be about as fun. Today we met with Grammie's painting group. The old guy, Schooly, is a total prick. He totally bitched out my mom the other day and he's as gruff as ever. The rest of the day was spent cleaning out my grammie's house.

Anyway, tonight my uncle gets into town. He's another man that will soon be out of our life forever, which is good. He's a pedophile. Fucking Asshole, mutherfucker. Ugh. And then people wonder why I'm so scared of commiting to a family. Considering my mom's family.

Anyway, only 2 more days. I'm off to bed.
Peace-
Tim

In Corvallis

Well, I've made it to the hometown of my mother. It seems my grammie had been deteriorating for a while. The letter she left my mom mentions how she didn't want us to know about her failing health and how the body is to be cremated before we see it.

We're not sure when the memorial service will be, friday or saturday. My uncle will be coming into town on thursday, so that's something. It looks as though my cousins probably won't be here as my uncle is estranged from them.

The trip down here was uneventful. I listened to my ipod most of the time and as always thought. It's at times like that when I remember the good times I've had over the past few years. I think about the people in my life and how I really appreciate them.

You guys are the best. My heartfelt thanks goes out to you. Seriously, if we could go on a cruise together, that'd be the best thing ever. Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to happen.

Anyway, it's late and I need to sleep.
Take care-
Tim

she didn't want us to know

She's been dying for a while. She's been sick, but told her neighbor/caretaker not to tell us. She didn't want to upset our lives. It would have been nice to see her one last time. Evidentally the letter she left for my uncle was far from nice. Tomorrow my mom will meet with the lawyer to see what the will says. My mom has been unable to get ahold of my uncle.

And then they wonder why I have relationship problems.

I tried to play the good host today. But I failed miserably. Between the reminder that I was not a friend, and the fact that my grammie passed away, I was far less than hospitable.

Now again I am plagued by a restless nights sleep.

Peace be with you.
Tim

PS- maybe it's time for a refresher course on Tim's religion, but we'll save that for another post...

run, don't walk...

it seems like I can't be any good for anyone right now. You'd best run and hide.

Don't look at me.I'm hideous right now. I see love and run away. I see pain and run towards. I see heartache and long for it. I see simple joy and love and run away.

I fear rejection and place my heart away. I see a dim hope and crush it.

I crucify my savior and know only the hollowness of regret. I seek comfort and find only pain and suffering. I long for understanding, hope, love, patience, peace, and spew out only pain, suffering, guild, judgement, despair, and impatience.

There is no pleasure in this pit of whatever this is.

Dear god release me from desire, release me from pain. Let my family know all that is good in everything that they do. Let me not deliver pain to those that are my friends and family. Let those that desire not my friendship to be forgotten from me.

Let me not be scared of love and run and hide from it. Don't let me see this pain as the end to every love. Don't let me scare off those I could cherish. Let me see what it is that you desire in me and let me know your love.

Your lost lamb-
Tim

when will I learn...

friendship is a two way street. If one side of the street isn't working, then there's no use sending information to the other end.

Anyway, I now remember the rejection, the uselessness, the painfulness, the lovelessness, so that's a nice feeling with everything else.

-Tim

shallow emptiness, sighing, panting, hurting, lying, wanting

It seems my grammie has passed away. My mom's mom was always a good woman even if she couldn't remember that I was her grandson and not just her son.

My mom is understandably quite distressed. There was no warning. Grammie just faded in the night. It's weird as I haven't seen her in years, but sometimes it's fine as long as you know someone is alive and walking around out there.

It's weird the aching that I'm feeling right now. Sometimes I wish I could be the guy that could just go have sex with a stranger and not worry about the ramifications. Not worry about what the person thought of me. Have the distraction of sexual release. Know that dammit, that pain in the heart hurts, but at least I'm not alone right now.

I can't find my mom. They turn their cellphone off. I sent out an email asking for prayer and support, but really I just want to be held dammit.

Please distract me-
Tim

PS- for some reason that song "You don't always get what you want" is going through my head.

train

Taking the train to oregon was both fun and eventful. On the way down to oregon the central control center (located in Dallas/Ft. Worth area) lost connection to the switches and we were stopped at every switch between Tacoma and Olympia.

Last night, the train ride home was going along fine, until the train in front of us hit someone. We were stuck just outside of Tacoma until 12:20am. Our train was supposed to enter seattle at 9:45pm, but after much delay arrived at the king st station at 1:30am.

I always think it's interesting when the most private of thoughts are presented on the blog. Sexual escapades and what not. I guess I'm just a prude or something.

Anyway, I need to get back to work.
Peace-
Tim

am I asking too much?

I finally broke down and offered my congratulations to the ex today, for getting to go to antarctica in the fall. We didn't talk, but did exchange voicemails.

She informed me that she will be going with a new male friend that she's been hanging out with for the past few months. Sincerely, I am happy for her. I am glad she has found someone that she can share that with, because in all honesty, I was not that man. When I think back to our relationship I think about how we really didn't have that much in common. I mean, I did change because of her, but never in the way that would make us long term lovers.

I suppose I should not dwell on the past, but it CAN stop me from repeating my mistakes. It can also give me early warning signs. although, I'm still not certain if I should avoid all pitfalls? Is it better to go from relationship to relationship, or to wait out for someone you fall in love with?

Is there something fundamentally wrong with going home with someone you meet at a bar, having awesome sex, and then never seeing them again? Am I the kind of guy that could do that? Should I have upper and lower morale boundaries?

Well, this is me in oregon. Please leave a note, as I am a comment whore:) Also, Orlando Bloom's nipples are off to the side. I know, because I saw kingdom of heaven.

Peace-
Tim

bad control

so these past 2 days I realized that I have had some really bad control. I need to spend more time excercising everyday if I'm going to eat at pies & pints.

Seriously after the nachos at the baseball game, I was at 340, and then tonight after pies & pints I was at 280 :(

So I stayed up till 1am and have gotten back down to norMAL (aka 140)

Sadness-
Tim

6:50am on a wednesday...

I'm having my second PT (physical therapy) on my knee today. So that should be exciting. That's at 8am in Redmond, so I have a few minutes.

Updates:
We've determined that although we said we liked Miss Saigon, we've all changed our minds and determined that it was the company of friends that we liked the best and Miss Saigon had no real character attachments for us.

Big A got tix for today's baseball game, so I'll be leaving work at 2:45 for that. Oh and it turns out the tix are in the 8th row and we should have free beer and food or something like that.

I realized the other day that my first "girlfriend" no longer wants to be my friend of any sort. It's weird when you are friends with someone and then they decide that they don't want to be your friend anymore, but you still want to be their friend. That one hurts a little. It's like, thanks for thinking I'm not worth knowing. *sigh*

Anyway, seriously, I need to not let it bother me. It's her loss if she doesn't want to be my friend. I know I'm a fun person to hang out with and I'm always up for something.

Ok, I need to go get my leg massaged.
Peace out-
Tim

PS- check out the new photo of me over on my photoblog

asleep by 12...

so for the past 2 nights I've been staying up till like 4am playing World of Warcraft. Tonight, I need to go to sleep at around 12 I think. The whole, bed at 2am, awake at 7am got really old last week.

Anyway, Family guy just had it's first show of the new season, so that was fun.

.......

Ahh... the "draft"... it's approximately 7:51 am now and I'm finishing up this blog-action. Anyway, I DID end up getting to bed by around 12 last night which I thought was pretty good. Although, right now I'm totally tired:( My friend Kim is on her way over with Coffee to drive me to work though, so that'll be nice.

This internet thing is weird but I'm glad it came about. Anyway, I'm off to work.
Tim