women and hands...

I think it's interesting that the more women I talk to, the more they insist that a mans hands are the first thing they look at as attractive on a man. I haven't gone into detail with them to see what about a man's hands can be sexy or what.

Anyway, from one semi-professional video game player to the rest of you in the blogging community. Happy New Year!!!!!

Peace out-
T

Tsunamis suck ass

They're saying between 22000 and 100000 people. I cannot fathom this. At a minimimum 22000 people have died from an earthquake that happened in the middle of the ocean.

*sigh*

Well, I spent lots of money on christmas for Tim yesterday. Basically I bought a bunch of movies and other miscellaneous crap. I went ahead and completed my last exile box set.... I heart anime. I tried to get Garden State, but it was sold out :(

Well, time for work.
Peace out-
T

on being a single semi metro sexual male in 2004

So here I am... on the eve of the eve of 2005...

I think I've determined myself to be semi metro sexual as I like the finer things in life and I like the ladies, but I'm not the cleanest person I know.

Anyway, I think it's difficult being a sensitive man that, despite how this blog reads, doesn't go out to try and get some every night. I mean, I'm looking for a fulfilling relationship that I can invest time into and have a lot of fun. I don't think it should be too hard, but it's hard to open up and trust people. At least for a shy guy like me. And let's face it, I really am shy.

Anyway, I'm going to go to sleep now as I am not used to this wake up at 7am schedule anymore:)

Peace-
T

crickets...

It seems that my housemate's lizard wasn't hungry enough to eat all his food. One of the crickets is alive and well, happily chirping away across the hall from me. I assume it's happy because it's still alive, but who knows if these things have those kind of emotions...

So work is still moving right along. There were 7 of us yesterday. 1 admin, 1 artist, 1 test manager, and 4 contractors. It was quite the busy day. Anyway, we did finally end up catching our first cheater yesterday. It was SO cool.

So, I'm thinking I need to head back to church. Or just get my head screwed back on straight again. Thank goodness for blogs. Maybe it's that I spend so much time in front of the computer that an online journal just seems natural , but I know that it's definitely helped me express myself.

Also check this out.

Peace-
T

bored...

Sometimes, I get bored at work. It's true. I try and concentrate at the game at hand, but sometimes I'd rather blog and hang out with friends.

I've determined that I want more adventure in my life. I want to travel and see the world some more. I don't remember how I got in this cycle of 9 months on, 3 months off, rinse lather repeat... but I'm not liking it so much.

I realized the other day that I'm 27 now. I was supposed to be happy with my life at this point, and I'm not sure that I am. My innerself is torn between who I currently am, who I want to be, and what I used to want.

Do I want to be the guy that cares only about what he wants? Do I want to just remove myself from the society and lose myself in my books? Do I want to continue to believe in a love that is not merely about the physical and believe that one can be true to one lover? Do I want to taste life to it's fullest, nevermind the consequences?

*sigh*
1 more hour of work-
T

on falling in love

I think it's interesting how falling in love can change a person. Even the most headstrong of individuals are bowing out of commitments in order to bewith the one they love. Then if the love isn't reciprocated 1 person is ALWAYS in charge of the relationship.

Anyway, I'm tired of being moody. Let's all have a happy new year. Anyone want to kiss? :)
Ciao-
t

Addiction:)

So the holidays were good. I got a gift certificate to newegg, some clothes and a quilt that my mother made.

The whole family came, actually just steve's daughters and their familes and me. If I say the whole family, it usually means Steve's brother's and sister's and their families as well as ours. That makes for a HUGE number of people.

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking, that's actually what I do down here. Anyway, I've been thinking about my sexual drive and whether or not I should have waited for marriage. 9 times out of 10 I say hell no! but occasionally, I think about what it was like, before it was an option. I was much less nervous around women, or at least I think I was. I also never really had sex on the forefront of my brain. Or maybe I did, and I just don't remember. Hmm... maybe it's time I strolled through the old blog :)

But also, damn you sex for feeling SO good!
Peace-
T

ok... it's true

Here I am blogging from dear old dad's house. I didn't think I would, but I'm addicted, what can I say? I just have to delete histories and make sure the cookie crumbs don't lead anywhere:) OK, so my family doesn't know about my blog.

I know, you're all shocked;) Well, anyway, I got to oregon safely. I am staying in Oregon City right now and going to Hillsboro tomorrow. Christmas eve. I hope all the amazon packages have arrived!!!

Anyway, I think I'm doing better. I havbe been working through my loneliness which I shouldn't be feeling anyway, even though I sometimes do.

I'm 27 years old. Where is my beautiful wife? Where is my beautiful house? Where are all the things that should have been by now? How old will I be before I settle down? How old will I be before I get a real job?

Ahh the scorpio. Always trying to figure out the secret motives. Always seeing the truth as it lies out before them. Seeing the hidden truth and master of the jealousy.

How is it that I can read people plain as day, but I can't understand them? How is it that I have the social skillz of a prepubescent child? Why do I feel like a little boy, when I should be a man?

Are there ever any answers to these rediculous questions? Wasn't I supposed to go through this 10 years ago? Am I stuck on repeat?

Well, I'm audi 5000. Not sure if I'll be writing from mom's house, but rest assured I'll write when I get back to seattle on monday or tuesday!

Peace-
T

blogging relationships...

it seems as thought blogging is a very personal, raw experience. Your innermost thought on the internet spread out for whoever to find. It seems that it is a justifiable way to meet and form communities and relationships. But what about the real you. The one that is shy, the one you don't write about.

What about the Tim in everyday life. Without my thoughts on this thing, would you even know me? Would you see me as just another guy. Pass right by, not thinking that I care. We write about our own feelings, and somehow we're supposed to be understood by this. It connects people. All people feel one way or another throughout their life.

I like the people I read, even if they are considered outside of the practical. Even if I weren't to recognize them on the street. I think it shows that people can be beautiful without even trying.

Well, all my beautiful friends, I must bid you adieu. I am taking my CPU and RAM to Oregon and must take apart my computer now. Who knows, maybe I'll blog in Oregon. If I don't. Have the best of holidays!

Peace-
Tim

on loneliness...

Sometimes you want a warm body lying next to you. Sometimes you want someone to hold on a cold winter night. Sometimes you want someone to understand. Sometimes you want someone to say that it will be all ok. Sometimes you don't want to be yourself. Sometimes you want to be that person that has found someone to love. Sometimes you don't want it to be cold anymore. Sometimes you just want anything, but the loneliness you feel inside. Sometimes you realize that you need to be stronger than you are, and that you need to be that for yourself more than anyone else. Sometimes you want someone to call that isn't your mother or your father. Sometimes you wish you had a brother or a sister that can give you some level of comfort that hasn't come from anyone else. Sometimes you've hidden yourself away so you won't be hurt, but it hurts anyway. Sometimes you write to your blog, because the silent annonymous people reading your blog are the only people you can talk to about it. Sometimes you come off as a 27-yr old sex fiend, when in reality you're just looking for love and acceptance. Sometimes you want more than you have and you cry because you don't have it. Sometimes it hurts, and you just want to sleep, because tomorrow it might hurt less.

Goodnight-
T

Running to Stand Still - U2

And so she woke up
from where she was lying still
Said we got to do something about where we’re going
Step on a steam train
Step out of the driving train
Maybe run from the darkness in the night
Singing ha la la la de day
Singing ha la la la de day

Sweet the sin
But the bitter taste in my mouth
I see seven towers
But I only see one way out
You got to cry without weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice, you know
I took the poison, from the poison stream,
Then I floated out of here
Singing ha la la la de day
Singing ha la la la de day


She runs through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under black belly of cloud in the rain
In through a doorway she brings me
White gold and pearls stolen from the sea
She is raging
She is raging and the storm blows up in her eyes
She will suffer the needle chill
She is running to stand still

an obsessive boy dreams

Last night I dreamt of sex. It was nice, but scary. I was trying to be quiet so people wouldn't find out. And I didn't want to force her, so it was more of a dry hump. But then she got frustrated and wanted to leave, but we ended up making out for a while instead. I woke up happy.

Friday night I dreamt an old woman was falling down the stairs in my house and I couldn't help her. I kept hearing her cry out that she was hurt, but I couldn't wake up. I woke up sad.

Saturday night I dreamed, but I can't remember what about. I was talking to a friend about Scorpios and how we are thinkers, to which she mentioned we're a bit obsessive. Being that I am obsessed about a few things, and I can't tell any difference between me and the boy who started this blog 4 years ago, I would have to concur.

Well, work beckons!
-T

what I want...

What am I looking for in a woman?

I think I used to know the answer to that question. Now, I'm not so sure. I thought it was a christian woman, pure and chaste. Now, I'd like a girl that wants a roll in the hay, and a little spirit. Someone who can get me and likes to have fun. Fun being everything from car rides to walks in the rain. Whatever the occasion she can see the fun in it.

I think I need to do more dating. I need to figure out what's going on out there in the real world. I need to find someone I can connect with emotionally, spiritually and physically.

Maybe I am being to picky. Hmm.... and the hunt continues...
Peace-
T

on being white...

I went to see a movie last night. It was called black indians(native americans) and detailed how the indians intermarried with the blacks. It talked about how they are a people with 2 pasts.

There was a talk time afterward and an indian (native american) woman talked about how she had sent her daughter out east during the summers to learn the ways of their people.

This whole interaction kindled a desire to learn more about the people I come from. I realize that I know zero history of my people. My mother is adopted and my father's people are from southern Oregon. That is all I know. Am I part Jew? Am I part german, or irish? Do I have a history?

Maybe if I knew my past I could better see my future. All I know is me, and sometimes I don't even know if I know that so well.

What I am going to do is continue to live. I will try to find my passion. I will try to fall in love with something. I will try to find what I love and to that to the best of my ability.

Well, I need to go get ready for anime day.
Peace-
Tim

to take and to give

It seems there are 2 kinds of people in the world, or maybe just 2 types of philosophy to live by. The givers and the takers. It seems that people, being all emotional as they are, tend to mix the 2 concepts, but are 1 way more often.

Take my step sisters. I have 2 takers and 1 giver. The 2 takers have about 4 children each and won't do 1 thing for them. The giver is living with 1 sister, raising the kids as her own, and taking care of the other kids most of the time as well.

It seems that I'm more of a giver. At least I like to think I am. If I could devote my life to something worthwhile I would. I would give everything I could, I would pour myself into it. It just seems that I can't find the thing to become inpassioned about...

Peace-
T

the lion's share

So I forgot how violent the Lion King was. The play and costumes were GREAT.

I live in a pretty comfortable lifestyle. I'm never hungry and I always have a place to sleep. I have friends and family that care about me. But for some reason, my ol' animal instinct to pro-create and continue my lineage is going full board. This means that when I talk to girls my brain goes into "get in the sack" mode. Fortunately, my strict christian upbringing and ability to control myself often stops me from following through with anything. Does that make me a pussy? Does it mean that I should just take what I want, fuck the consequences?

Ahh, the pensive Tim:)

Peace out-
T

of mice and men

So I'm going to see Julie Taymor's Lion king tonight. I'm totally stoked as I haven't been to a play since this past spring. OK, so it wasn't that long ago, but I love the performing arts. It's true, I do love them.

Anyway, I played trivial pursuit last night so that was fun. Today is answering more emails and playing with my friends on halo 2, so that's exciting. I started reading a new book, but I have other books also vying for my time!!!

Oh and I need to talk to someone about getting a real job :)

Check you guys later-
Tim

of horniness and lonliness

It's true. We all get horny sometimes, and even if we're in committed relationship we get lonely sometimes too. It's funny how the human condition wants to find a suitable partner. Are we just extensions of the subconscious? Do we just have basic animal lusts that we follow?

Anyway, enough about my horny lonely state;) Oh and it's true, I am a caring, sometimes selfless, gainfully employed, fun, cute guy. But I digress:)

So I bought christmas presents and train tickets last night. Overall it was a pretty good shopping experience with me going to online retailers and not having to deal with crowds:) Also, I saw the most beautiful scene this morning and had Cahlen take a picture, so hopefully I can get that up and running tonight.

Well, it's about time for work. I hope everyone is doing well and having a nice day!
Peace-
Tim

jobby jobs and the human experience

So here I am at work. Waiting for the day to start.

I have the Lion King on thursday, so that's exciting. I'm a big Julie Taymor fan. Anyway, things are going ok. I have more MS interview type stuff coming up hopefully.

I'm just working on having a nice holiday. I'm still trying to figure out whether or not I'll be driving home or taking the train:)

Well, it's time for work.
Peace-
T

what do I want?

What am I looking for? What do I want out of life? What type of person am I attracted to? When should I tell someone about this blog? How do I read a woman? Why do I want to be in a relationship? Why do I want to be loved? Does swallowing your feelings actually make you sick? Where am I supposed to be on my life cycle?

I thought I was supposed to be married right now. I was supposed to be in the middle of a career (on top of that one, almost). I was supposed to have a wife that loved me, that I could protect and love. Someone to face lifes challenges with. Someone I could call home to if I was going to be late. Someone to take out for a night on the town. Someone to admire and hope with. Right now, I don't knok what I want. Someone once told me that as soon as you stop looking, that's when you find it. I call bullshit. I tried that for 25 years, and where did it get me? I now know that sex w/o love isn't fun either. Well, it might be fun, but I know I tend to feel more than most guys, so maybe I just set myself up.

Here's the real question. How much of myself should I invest in someone else? When I think of selfless love and try to emulate that, I only end up feeling hurt. I think most women think of me as a "nice guy" and for that I am doomed to never be a sex object.

Am I horny? Hell yes! Do I have a person to help alleviate that? Not yet. Do I know what kind of person that could give me that kind of help? No idea. Is there a way to see the future and find out how it all turns out? Could I say, this is what I want with all my heart? Not yet.

I need to sleep some more.
Peace-
T

hmm...

So I went to a used book sale this morning. That was hella crazy. People running around with boxes and throwing books in them. I got a few christmas presents for others, and a couple for me:) It was early for the book sale, and I ended up walking all over the place, so my feet and legs are a little sore, but the good kind.

I took a photo at the bainbridge ferry terminal, you should go to my photo blog and take a look. I think it's my new favorite. Also, sometimes I'm surprised at how much I like my photos.

So, I got a phone call from an MS recruiter. They want me to fill out a pre-liminary interview questionaire. It's for a job that I'm much more suitable for. So that's exciting.

I haven't figured out my sleep schedule yet. So I'm still awake at 12:35 when I needed to be asleep at 11.

I've decided to do the online christmas shopping with the online retailers wrapping the presents:) I figure that's better and I don't have to transport the presents! Yay for going home for the holidays.

Well, it's t-minus 4 days till Lion King! W00T.
Peace out-
T

no go

So... the interview is a bust. Not entirely, but I didn't get the job.

I don't know why I'm in a funk. I tried not to get my hopes up, but they snuck in there in the last second.

Oh well, I need to get some sleep now.
Peace-
T

t minus 10 hours and counting...

I've been trying to wrap my mind about the linear math stuff tonight. I thought I knew what it was. But I forgot. It's basically a bunch of cool little tricks.

Anyway, I guess I'll flunk that section :(

Well, gotta sleep...
T

on studying...

I've actually done a pretty good job studying this weekend.

I think that nothing can prepare me for this interview, but I'll do my damndest to try. Brushing up on old and forgotten skills is fun and exciting. I love looking and reading code. I'm currently better at reading and debugging code than I am at writing it, but I'm sure that if I get the job that would change.

So here I am, procrastinating:) I ended up going out with my buddy steve from college on friday late night. That made for an interesting time. I find his ability to be sociable around any person to be a great commodity. I envy him.

Sometimes I wonder about starting a secret blog. An annonymous blog where I would post every single secret thought that ever came into my head. It would be so simple, but such a disappointment I think. I am first honest here, with accountability, with fear and shame, with pride.

I am a man and have a bunch of faults. I know of 2 people that I know who I can find no fault with and I envy them. However, I think I may be more approachable to some people. Honestly, I don't know. Perfect people make me uneasy and ashamed that I am not more like them.

Anyway, I need to get back to studying.
Peace-
T

ugh... bring on the hate

Well, it's friday. The week has flown past and I'm studying dilligently for my interview again.

I have been responding to people from the bungie help email alias and that is uber depressing. People never write to tell you that they love the game. It's usually a question or a hate mail. These are so frustrating.

Anyway, I think I should quit reading some blogs:) They only get my blood circulating in a most frustrating manner.

Well, I'm off to work on some angry emails. I hope everyone is having a good day.
Peace-
T

shh... thanks :)

Hey guys-

Thanks for the comments :) It's always nice to see that people still read this thing. So I've gotten my interview date. It's going to be happening next wednesday. Very exciting! I think having an actual date set for the interview helps with the whole studying for it thing.

Well, I'm doing lots better today. I went to bed at 11 last night which was nice. Although I did have to get up earlier today because I thought I'd have to take the bus. Turns out Cahlen wanted to drive, so I wouldn't have had to get up so early, but it was still nice to get some studying done before we had to leave.

Oh, also, I'm still trying to do the photo blog thing, but I got tired of posting drivng pics. So I'm going to try and get some non-driving pics today :)

Ok, well, I need to work now.
Peace-
T

where we go from here, is entirely up to you...

Here I am, naked. Raw, stretched out for all to see.

Will you like me? Will you hate me? Will my past destroy my future? Is there a story worth writing down, that is my life? Will I affect those around me? Will I be more than a continuation of my family? Will I, at least, BE a continuation of my family? Will I ever get rid of this angsty feeling?

Am I someone worth respecting? Am I worth knowing, loving?

That's why they're called feelings, cause you feel them :) This is me, sitting here, looking at you, looking at me, thinking...

It's late again... I'm going to bed.
Peace-
T