Scorpios and the like

I wish I didn't have to turn off my heart. I wish I could be loving and supportive and not jealous. I wish I was on a similar life journey. I wish I weren't just starting out. I wish I could trust myself to not have an irrational jealousy. I wish I could say, goodluck, I want to hear all the details. I want you to be happy no matter what. I wish I could say, Oh he sounds like quite a catch and not hate him with every fiber of my being. I wish I could stay close intimate friends. I know that my love lasts forever. At least I know it's lasted since 13, and I am prepared to carry love in my heart for another 100 + years of my life.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss my friends deeply. We are spread out by jealousy and a few oceans. I was asked what I would do if I can do anything I was tonight, no penalties, no reprisals, and the cost is unimportant. What would I do? My answer was the I would call ALL my friends (past & present) and schedule a party at a local restaurant. We would have dinner and chat. I would make sure they knew they could bring their friends and I would make new friends and be able to catch up with all my old friends.

Trully, that is what I dream that heaven would be like. Hanging with all the people I've been friends with and just talking and telling stories. Course my life goal is to have people say that I was a good man and a good friend, a good father and an excellent husband. But maybe I'll never know about that. All I can do is be the best man I know how to be, and that means hurting sometimes.

Well, I should go to bed and/or practice the piano. Oh, and I got new glasses.
Peace-

all about me

So I've been reading through my posts and I began to think what a pathetic guy I must seem like. I can't even handle being alone with myself. It seems to me, I need to spend some time alone. Or at most, just hanging out with guys not even thinking about girls. That would seem like the only logical thing to do, especially if I don't want a rebound relationship. I think it would be best to heal. I mean honestly, I feel as though I should be alone for a while. I don't want to be one of those people that NEEDS to be in a relationship. I want to be the kind of person that if a relationship comes along I can be like, sure, but not strangle it.

It's like I would really like to be in love with somebody, but I don't want to just be in love with anybody. Does that make any sense? AKA, I would like to have someone to love, but it DOES make a difference on who that person is. I'm not just going to want to be in a relationship with any ol' girl. I think the healing process requires lots of piano and video games. Maybe even throwing myself into my work for a while.

Well, I'm off to practice the piano.
Peace-

good morning

I woke up on my own this morning. 7:20am without an alarm and after staying up till 1am.... Well, my tester is officially lost, but I called and ordered a replacement this morning. YAY. Practiced piano last night. I love the piano, it's so fun to just sit there and create music. Well, it's time to work.

Peace-

overall

I'm glad to have been in the relationship. She is someone I will forever cherish. Now I need to figure out a way to move it to a friendship. I need to not freak out and not be in love and not rebound.Is there a genie out there that can give me a "no feeling" pill? or a "stop liking that way" pill? Well, it looks like I need to order another test kit from the insurance company. I'm going to bed.
Peace-

meanings

I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant to be hurt. I don't want anyone to be sad, and I don't want to be sad. I want to fulfill and be fulfilled.I want to love and be loved. I want to heal and be healed. I want to take the pain of the world on my shoulders and have no one hurt anymore.

I wish I didn't hurt you...

OK, enough of the dark ranting.

The next time you see me, I'll be a happy camper. well, maybe.

peace-

My last sisterly update unless something terrible happens

My step sister seems to be doing much better. Her short term memory is having problems, but she is making great progress considering how close to death she was last week. I'll update you if she worsens :(


PEace-

*sigh*

I need to stop. I need to slow down, enjoy the flowers, take moonlit walks, go see a play. I need to get out of the house. I need to move on. I need to not care. I need to tear a little bit. I need to live. I need to breathe. I need to move on. I need to not obsess. I need to let go. I need to go away. I need to cry. I need to hold out. I need to not rebound. I need to sleep. I need to interact. I need to read. I need to engross myself. I need to find passion. I need to be cool. I need to be strong. I need to not cry. I need to be me. I need to grow. I need to be me. I need to find me. I need to not sigh.

Torn-

updates

My step-sister is doing better. She is answering questions and can hold conversations ok. When she's not drifting in and out of sleep.

I'm doing better. I learning to let go and that's something that is good for me to learn. I hope you all have a beautiful day.

Peace-

on relationships and women

So here I am basically coming out of my first serious relationship ever. Overall, I'm glad I had it and am still great friends with the girl. Turning off love is hard though. As a Scorpio, I often get jealous over future boyfriends which is ridiculous. I think mostly I am sad that I cannot be with her anymore. I won't be able to enjoy the journey anymore. I feel like I'm getting left behind. But even as I write that, I think of how I have my own journey to take up.

I'm a bit torn. I don't want to give her up, but I also want to move on and start up the next relationship. Mainly I want to fill up the hole in my heart. But I don't want to just have a girlfriend that is a patch. No rebounds. I don't want a rebound. I just want an open honest relationship with no baggage.

Then there's the point of, is she easily replaceable? Hell NO! But is there a salve that won't hurt anyone? No. There's the life of the monk, but then she'll feel guilty. There's the life of the party-er, but then I and she will only despise me as a slut. (*would it be easier if I were secretly a jerk that only cared about 1 thing?*)

Anyway, I wish God hadn't made women so irresistible :) But I'm glad he did. I'm going to leave you on an up note today, while I try and sleep earlier tonight.

So check out this link which is a hilarious account of the End of the world. (*warning will take a long time to open*)

Music: Guster
Peace-

updates

My Step sister is doing better. She's been doing some talking and can remember all her children except the one that was born 4 days before her first stroke. She remembers her husband but not the fact that he has been to visit her.

Did I mention that I'm back on the market? Well, I guess I am. So, lookout!

Peace-

Life

Well the 'rents are in town. So today was VERY filling. Claim Jumper, Sopranoes. It was all yummy. Even made it to archie Mcphees.

Anyway, no updates on the step sister as my updates come from my parents and they're up here. So I'm going to go to bed and wake up soon, so I'll catch you later.

Peace-

Sisterly update

My mom is on her way up here, but the update goes like this:

"Heather responded to the ICU nurse this morning.
They did a CAT scan early this morning and found that the original bleeding
point in Heather's brain was shrinking down to normal size. The latest
bleeding point is still large but the doctor is truly amazed that Heather
has responded to the heprin so quickly and the results are better than he
could have hoped. Heather remains in ICU and treatment continues."

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

Peace-

what a week

Well, it's friday. I left my phone at home. So if you need to get ahold of me today, you need to email. It's just 1 more thing on a list of things that have happened on an ultimately frustrating week.

Now I find out I get to have the house to myself pretty much this weekend. Not really looking forward to that. C'est la vie.

If you're reading this, email me and say "hi". I can always use a little mid day pick me up. EMAIL

Peace-

Emotional Rollercoaster of nothingness

Well, the latest news being that...

"The doctors ordered an angiogram of my stepsister's brain and it revealed several clots. They are starting a regime of heprin (an anticoagulant) and will continue for the next 6 weeks if she continues to live. If things are still working out at the end of that time, they will continue the anticoagulant for another 6 months and, hopefully, the clots will dissolve."

That being said, I'm on a bit of an emotional roller coaster right now. I don't know how I feel about my step-sister, except I know I don't want her to die. It's been an emotional week besides that, I've had to give up one of my closest friends and that hurt.

Work is work, and it does a good job of distracting me during the day.

I hope all is well in your life-

mortality

My mom called to fill me in on the newest member of our family today. It seems my married step sister had her baby last thursday. But that wasn't the news. The news is that my step sister is trying to survive the night. It seems she keeps having strokes (bleeding in the brain).

Needless to say, this has put a damper on my day.

Maybe I'll throw myself into my work for a while.

Peace-

Personalities, one more time

So it seems to me that I appear to be an INFJ or Introverted INtuitive Feeling Judging personality.

It seems to be that I am that person. I feel and judge and seem cold and uncaring.

"Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact"

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed by the beauty of the world and I retreat. Please forgive me.

In other news, I love my job.
Peace-

relationships that last forever

So, I have some friend leaving for Vancouver in August. I was recently asked if I'd miss them, and at the moment I was a bit indifferent. Not that I won't miss them horribly, but we're only a phone call or an instant message or email away. In a society of instant messages, cell phones, and email, it's difficult to feel that someone has moved away.

I will never turn down a friend. NEVER. I'm not the type of person that would let down a friend. If something is within my ability to do for a friend I will do it.

On another note, There's a FUCKIN FLY IN MY ROOM!!! It's like 50 degrees out, and there's a fly in my room! WTF!!!!

Anyway, my heart is big enough for all of you. Let me in, let me care and you will never need to wonder if I care. I do, I will, I am. I cannot change who I am, or can I?

Time for bed, Time for work,
Peace-

A brief stop in...

and then I'm off again. I hope everyone is having a good life. I think I am. I'm getting away for the weekend which will be nice.

My job is going wonderfully. I am going in early tomorrow so I can take off early for my weekend away.

I wonder if it's time for something new. I'm a wee bit tired, so I'm going to go to bed soon. Thus my scatter brain post. Anyway, I just wanted to make a note that we all wanted to see janet jacksons boobs and fuck those prude assholes for suing everyone. It's a fuckin boob. Half the population has em.

Anyway, we're looking for a roommate. Karla has to move out. If you're reading this and want to be an active participant you can email me and we'll see about getting you a room here :P

Peace out, my ever loving public-

You can't handle the truth

Here it is, approx. 11 hours before I start my new job and I'm kinda nervous, kinda excited, kinda confused, kinda feel like I should have practiced my piano more this week.

Here's a question... how long before you know someone, do you tell them about your blog? I mean obviously there are people you can never tell. (*mothers/pastors/children*)

Should you let your friends know your personal thoughts? You online diary?

Should you hide it and not let anyone else know? Should you be up front about it, and let them decide if you are worthy of being a good friend by giving them a full picture? Or do you let them only see who you are now?

People change. Obviously. But I AM still the man who thinks that cahlen should have said fuck

Wow, my history in a nutshell... put on display for the whole world to read. My friends don't write here anymore. But, I'm not really surprised. We've all moved on, basically.

I'm living in an entirely new house, but Cahlen is living downstairs now. Some people that have blogged here, I don't even know anymore.

I'm sure as my life moves on... this, too, shall pass.

Perhaps I will fall madly in love with someone. Maybe falling madly in love only happens in the movies. :)

We'll see, I'll try and keep you posted as the adventure continues...
Peace-