Dreams, unemployment, car accidents and DND

I tried to start to be part of a D&D game last night. We made characters and are meeting next monday to start the quest. Then...

I had a dream last night. I was having dinner with a bunch of friends. Karla and a boyfriend of hers that I had never seen were also eating with us. Karla was on the table next to us and he was sitting across from me. I was on the bench side and we had two 4-person tables tables pulled together for the gathering. Over the course of the meal, whenever I turned to talk to the table where karla and the friends were sitting, her boyfriend would put stuff in my drink. One time it was a lemon, One time it was fish bones. The second time, I yelled at him to stop messing with my drink. Karla asked me why I was freaking out, and I just yelled that she was trying to poison me. She tried to explain that it was a joke, but I just kept yelling "You're trying to poison me". She started crying and I woke up. After waking up, I recalled every time I have ever let my mother down and then I felt horrible inside.

I've decided that my dream and the D&D are somehow connected and I will not be playing anymore.

I woke up at 7am this morning, for I had a meeting with the unemployment peeps. Just a "Getting a job" class, but I read, so that was fun. I'm finishing up the "Children of the Mind" by Orson Scott Card, book 4 of the ender's series.

Driving back from hanging out with Cliff today, there was a car accident in front of my house. I don't know how it happened. I was thinking about blogging, then I look and see 2 cars spinning in unison in front of me. It was so weird.

Tonight we celebrate cahlens birthday. YAY!!! I got a 160GB HD for my birthday, so that's fun:)

Well, I'm going to go practice the piano now.

Peace-

piano lessons

today I have my wonderful piano lessons. Thanks for listening to me rant and rave last night. Sometimes I just need to go off on my achilles heel. Subway for lunch maybe? :)
Peace-

Achilles Heel

I'd have to say that my one social problem (achilles heel) would have to be my voice. In everything I attempt to do, my voice is there. My lisp is there. My "funny talking" is there.

I think it makes me come across as stupid. I think it causes some people to take pitty on me, while on others it makes them pissed off if I'm put into a leadership role ahead of them. Other people tend to think that I not know what I'm getting myself into, as if I couldn't understand it.

Sometimes I wonder if I sound like a down syndrome person. I know that women find me completely harmless, not that I mind. I would like a mutual attraction.

No matter where I go I take my achilles heel with me. It is a constant reminder that no matter how hard I try at something, certain people will never take me seriously, and certain people will hate me. Certain people will try with all their might to protect me, as if I can't deal with something myself.

Do I look in the mirror and see a down syndrome baby?

I hate my speech impediment. Of course it helps when I look up speech impediment on google and it come up with:

'Speech impediments may manifest as stutters or lisps or may be more severe. Severe speech impediments are relatively more common among people with cerebral palsy and can be associated with other physical disabilities or deafness. Relatively minor speech impediments may have a basis in a psychological disability or mental illness, but this should not be assumed.'

I guess this should mean that I'm more employable?

Anyway, I should go. I have the piano to practice.
Peace-

diary

Sometimes I wonder if this online diary is doing more damage than any good that may come from it. Maybe I should give it up for a while. I don't know. Am I in love? Could I be?

What is relationship? Trust? commitment? I don't know... I know I appreciate all my friendships and will continue them till my friends have an intervention....

Well, my alarm is going off, I should practice piano for my last 2 hours before piano lessons.

Peace-

mmm... fish

Sometimes I ask myself "What should I be doing?" Most of the time I just go with the flow though. So, when I do ponder the "what" question, it usually has something to be doing with my real life at the moment. I've been thinking about the situation that I'm in and about hurting people.

I found out that I'm not hurting someone I thought I was and so that gives me some relief. I know that through no conscience act I've gotten to the point that I can hurt people by not doing anything wrong. Some say that I am the victim and that I'm being preyed upon. That is bullshit. If I'm hurting anyone, or am going to be hurt, I have done so with both eyes open, neither fearing nor blindly following. I have seen what I want. I know what I think I want.

Blogs...

Have I been to honest with you? Will my friends hate me? Will I destroy friendships? Will I leave and not look back? Will I find a happy medium of telling my blog only certain things and then keeping myself hidden?

I once told a girl that I would not ask her out for a number of reasons and she asked me why, and I told her. This of course would be after she had just told me that she was not interested in a dating relationship. After telling her my reasons for doubts, she would not tell me why she would not date me. She told me it would hurt me too much. I felt betrayed and pissed off. I wondered how I could possibly work on traits that she found to be undate-able, if she would not tell me. I often wonder, if she knew that she pissed me off and that I would rather know, than not know. Or maybe it was that she was shallow? Could it be that she didn't find me attractive? in a physical sense?

Enough philosophy... Updates:
Party went well yesterday. i think everyone had a good time, except maybe Dan who was trying to sleep.
I went and found Cindy an apartment today. She's moving to Ballard in December.
Dinner was at anthonys. I had some salmon and halibut. It was SO delicious.

Anyway, I need to practice my piano before I screw up royally tomorrow.
I'll catch you later-

Humoungously busy

So...

I hate the feeling that you're letting EVERYONE down. Today, I was too impatient with Dan and I didn't set aside enough time for Peter. These two things were at perpendicular to each other, and were unavoidable. I was supposed to play football with Peter, Dan said that Peter wasn't going to be home till 4, so I should go to lunch with him. Well, since Peter would be gone till 4pm I did go to lunch. But then he wanted to go to Target for a quick shop. Long story short, we get home at 3pm. Nate is coming over for beer at Teddys and to go to best buy. Lunch was at 11:30, I should have been fine, even when peter came home at 1, I should have been fine, but that DAMN target trip. Dan's pissed at me for being impatient, I'm pissed at Dan for making me miss time with Peter, and Peter's pissed because I didn't make him the priority.

This IS a GREAT party atmosphere. I think I've fucked up another friendship and I feel like I'm about as comforting as a hurricane. I try and be the best man I can be, and I think people are still getting hurt.

And now I think I may have found some work. We'll see. Anyway, Master and Commander was great, and City of Lost children was awesome in that way that Amelie was awesome. Hopefully, I'll see you all tomorrow.

Peace-

ugh

Life is beautiful. It's pay day today. So that's exciting. I came to a realization last night. I've been creating a computer for about the last 6 months. I've gotten hard drives, a sound card, a DVD+-RW, and a case. All that's left is Mobo, CPU, RAM and a video card. I can't pull the trigger, and I don't really care right now. I'd much rather spend the 500 bucks on friends and good times than on a computer I don't need. I was playing games last night and realized that I was enjoying myself. If I can enjoy my games without upgrading and spending the extra dough, then why should I?

So I'll be upgrading my fashion sense instead. I have never spent much money on the packaging of Tim. I will now be buying a new wardrobe to go with the new slender Tim. Well, I need to go deposit the paycheck.

Catch you later-

happy day after my birthday

I don't know why I get so moody sometimes. I think it must be that time of the month for me.

I'm sleepy. Say hello to moody tim. Seriously, I'm not usually this crabby. I don't know whats up. I don't have the words right now. I need to go hide.

Check you later-

damn blogger and office

So I had this blog all written out and went to check on something in office. Anyway, office sent me to a website and killed my blog.

I was just thinking about how we are unable to go through life without hurting someone. I have never purposefully tried to hurt someone and I think I may have gotten into a situation where someone is going to get hurt. I wish I could find a way out where everyone involved could happy and not hurt. But I can't see the way. I'm trying to get to a much more flexible life, where I'm not planning things out 2 - 3 weeks in advance, but things keep on filling up.

It's my birthday. Today we're going to ballard bar and grill. The matrix. and Tony Romas. Tomorrow is dinner and anime with Jarred. Thursday is dinner with Cindy. Saturday is party at my hizouse for Cahlen, karla and my birthdays. Should be a good time.

OK, I'm going to burgers now. Check yous later-

Life and something like it

And I'm back... with a vengence:)

How is everyone doing? Did you miss me? Were there any emergencies you needed me to take care of? No? OK

So I updated my friendster profile. I don't know how to show you, so you'll just have to sign up to friendster and read about it.

Anyway, I arrived with my MS software having shown up. So that was rather AWESOME. OK, I'm going to go for now.

I'll check you later-

women 2.0

as you all know, generalizations do not hold true to every person. If you happen to be a woman reading this blog and it doesn't pertain to you. Then know that you are unique, at least in what I've come to understand women. And if we are friends then it is probably true that you do not date mostly jerks as I don't like to associate myself with such women, nor do I have friends that are jerks, so they tend not to attract said women.

I'm leaving for idaho in 7.5 hours. I'll catch you guys later. Peace-

what we really want

I was thinking about wants today. Thinking about the feeling of wanting to be accepted and how different people play that out as different roles.

Sometimes I wish I had it all figured out. What I really want, what would fulfill my life and make me the man I want to be. But then I realize that's what everyone wants. A clear path where all the choice were already made and you just had to follow the steps correctly.

But then there would be no fun. Well, I need to pack. I'm headed to idaho to bring Cindy back to Seattle tomorrow and am waking at 5am so I can get there in 1 day.

Peace-

freezing

Here's what an interesting little quiz told me I was-


Protector


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla


Also it is freezing in seattle. Literally, and my single-pane windows aren't cutting the chill at all.

But it's nothing a warm body couldn't cure:)
Peace-

commenting

So I found a free commenter thingy, in case you didn't notice. Piano lessons were wonderful today. Unfortunately Jewel's book of music is a little too advanced for me right now. So I have Bach, minuet in G that I'm practicing for my piece right now.

Tonight I'm going to costco to find a new piano with weighted keys. Hopefully it won't be too expensive. Well, I need to get back to Xenocide.

Check ya later-

what I've learned about women

This is something I've been thinking about, and which I may be totally wrong, but I wanted to share it with you.

From what I can tell, women want power and comfort. They often tell me that they want a man that will hold them and cuddle, but often end up with jerks. I've often considered this very ironic and have been perplexed by my other sensitive brothers. We have often commented that the girls always go for the jerks and I think I have a theory why. I think that they see these men as the future leaders of our society at least subconsciencely. Women are drawn to ambitious men. I've often heard them say that they would be with a man who knows what he wants.

I tell you that any man worth reproducing with, will not be so closed minded as only seeing a single future within his life. He will not expect to be the next president of the united states. He will not put down his fellow man in order for his own gain.

The women see that the jerk is a jerk from the get out. But they don't see a jerk. They see a man with ambition. A man that won't let another man get in his way, and he wants to be with her. Well why shouldn't she be with him. If he becomes rich and powerful, why not be there with him.

I've often been perplexed by young girls dreams of being a princess or a long lost relative of some rich and powerful person. I've never understood why they would want to give up their family for the power of a title. I think it has to do with society placing beauty before wisdom. Women see the princess as always getting her way, their way.

Sometimes I wish this were a discussion instead of a "post", or that I'd at least be able to communicate with you. I'm going to try and get a comments board up, but am having trouble finding one.
Peace out-

Mortality

I've been reading Xenocide, by Orson Scott Card, tonight. I was planning on going to bed around 10ish. Well, that didn't seem to work:)

Some of the ideas and characters presented in these books are very emotionally straining on me for some reason. I often wonder how I can tear up at a stupid story. I've always been impressed by peoples abilities to pull on heart strings through meer words and stories.

I am continually being challenged by my own mortality. I was thinking about how I'm turning 26 in one week. I often ponder who I may have affected in the first 26 years of my life that would care if I were here or not. Of course, then I start to think of the people that I love.

The people that have affected me in such a way that I would truly mourn their passing into whatever may be after death. (Don't even get me started on life after death as this has become a serious question of my faith recently)

How is it that we get to be where we are and not continually try to be with the ones we love. I have such emotional controll over my life that I can sit here now and talk about these things with you, that I may never have to bring them up with the people that I trully care about. Sometimes I wish I were more in touch with my feelings that I could just do stuff without thinking of consequences. Or maybe I don't think of consequences correctly and so I don't allow my emotional to help me decide things. Overall I think I have a rather boring life. Won't someone help me?

Sometimes I wish I could not have self doubt and/or fear of rejection. I often wonder if I could live by some of the advice I give or if it's all just a lie.

A man described me as a punk thinker last night. i.e. punk because of my blue hair, and thinker because of my glasses. I think that maybe I'm just trying to get new experiences. Do I not shave my beard because I think it might make me more attractive to the women I want to meet? or do I not shave my beard because I'm lazy?

What do I want? I know that I need to find someone who won't judge me for my online journal. I am looking for what everyone is looking for. Someone who can accept me for who I am, even when I'm trying to be cute and humorous and it comes out as disgusting and inappropriate. Someone who I don't have sexually repulsive:) All other points can be discussed-

Life or something like it... and part of me

I have fully regressed to quiet introspective Tim. At times I will be outrageous party Tim, and at other times I'll be quiet introspective Tim. It's a cycle. Ups and downs. I first heard the idea of our selfs as cycles in Highschool, from a man I trully respect and value the opinion of.

So I'm introspective Tim today. Unfortunately I have the little motivation to leave the hizouse these days. Which means my friends are missing me:(

Piano lessons are going great. I'm going to get my book of jewels songs on piano. So that's exciting. I'm going to idaho on wednesday to drive Cindy and bubba fett back to seattle.

So that's something. I got the new outkast, ludacris, and Meat loaf on CD from bestbuy today. Went to the JCPenny and got flannel sheets.

It is officially freezing in washington. It snowed this morning around 8am for about half an hour. I was asleep, of course, but I heard about it.

There was a birthday party last night. I didn't bring a present:( and I didn't give a present. I did promote our party on the 15th, but that's not saying much.

I need a piano or at least a weighted keyboard to practice on:( so much to spend my money on. So little money.

Part of me wants to be a contributing part of society, part of me just wants to sit back and make snide remarks. Part of me wants a girlfriend so bad. Part of me wants someone to fuck. Part of me cares so much. Part of me doesn't care at all. Part of me wants a "nice" girl. Part of me wants a girl to tell me how to please her. Part of me wants to be good with the ladies. Part of me wants the ladies to see what's good in me and want to have that. Part of me feels like Charlie Kaufman in Adaptation. Part of me feels like Barry Egan in Punch-drunk love.

That is enough for now... Back to Xenocide by Orson Scott Card.
Peace-