'in love' vs 'love'

Trying to move from 'in love' to 'love' is always an interesting experience. Trying to kill the jealous scorpio is tough too. A friend described someone as an emotional basketcase, was/is that me? Is that a valid description of me.

Growing and learning to move from 'in love' to 'love'. I need to be able to love a person that I was in love with, without being hurt. I need to not harden my heart. I need to remain emotionally vulnerable and allow myself to grow.

A work in progress-
Tim

changing

Looking at the last weeks worth of entries, it's very interesting to see who I am now, to the person I was 1 week ago tonight. I definitely seem more emotionally stable right now. Meeting new people helps. Going out at night helps too. Throwing myself into my work helps. Dealing with my feelings helps too.

Well, I need to sleep...
Peace-
Tim

lookin to chill

Hey all-
Is it so hard to just chill? I'm looking for someone to just chill and relax with. It seems that most people I know are just looking for the next thing, they don't want to slow down and enjoy the ride. I'm looking to get out of the house, but I want some people that want to get out of the house too. Life's too short to watch TV:) If you're free give me a call and we'll chill...

Peace-
Tim

Life as an MMORPG

The idea being that you are who you represent you are. You can represent yourself as anything. You can fool anyone into believing whatever you want them to believe, because it's all not real. You are the only one who knows the real you, and you can hide that information forever. You can bluff anything. You can't know anything. We play videogames, but we do seem to be just our brains, and they're just playing who we are as people./

It's not a world I want to live in. I want to be who I am and present myself as me. I don't want to have to fake who I am. I don't want to appear to change me to better represent a compatible person. I do want to be the best me I can be and present that in the most honest person that I am.

Just some thoughts on me-
Tim

who would have thought



Heart of Gold


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

growing pains

So I am standing on my feet now. Walking away from the relationship. "Growing up", if you will. I don't know why I became so needy at the end and I would like to think that I've grown.

It seems right now that I will always love you, but I'm sure that is changing right now, even as I write this.

I am not looking to get back into a relationship right now, but I am looking for some new people to hang out with.

I hope that we can remain friends after this, but I know right now that I don't want to be without you, so that is what I must do.

Peace, Tim

no seriously

Moving on sucks. It's like I want to be able to say, you can't hurt me any more. But I also want to try to stay caring and there for when she might need you.

Anyway, time to get a jump start on moving on...

the walled up side

There is me as my asshole self. The one that wants to be in this state of uncaring. The one that just wants to say, "FUCK YOU" and run away. Both of me exist in this one body.

Now to move on to not caring. Fuck allowing myself to be constantly hurt. Time to move on. Time to hide the caring sensitive side and present the uncaring asshole that protects me.

Who am I, Who I am...

I am an INFJ to the deepest meaning of the word it seems. I will keep you all at arms length. Will you know who I am, besides who I show you? Will I let you see the little boy that will do anything to protect himself from being hurt? No, probably not. There are a million walls to my heart and I can only show you part of it at any one time.

Love to me is letting her in. Caring to the point of being utterly destroyed when she dies. Finding a life worth loving and doing everything within my power to love that woman. I will let her see who I am and hope that she can love me for that and will trust her completely to be gentle. Finding a life worth loving and doing everything imaginable to maintain that love.

Moving back from love is where I exist in daily life. There are the walls and the disappointment when the person dies, but no personal suffering. Protection from the caring. Protection from the guilt of not being able to give people money to get back on their feet. Protection from the guilt of not being able to care for the most basic of human needs of those in need. Numbness in all that is my life. Approaching on the ability to feel nothing, thus destroying any happiness and any pain.

Removing people from my heart is ALWAYS painful. I have found only 1 way. Remove them from my life. Move the walls back in place in my heart. It doesn't work though. I can think of no girl that actually found my love that I have truly been able to remove. My being longs for them to say they love me. To come to me and see the man I will be and love me for that. I long for acceptance with all my being and have never removed a girl from my heart that I have loved.

Unfortunately, to date, that means that every girl I have ever loved has been removed from my life, indefinitely. If we hang out, it is never in the capacity that I will allow myself to be seen, not in the capacity that they have known me.

I hide behind the walls, because I am truly a little boy that cares beyond my ability and am hurt immeasurably by the smallest pin prick. I'm sensitive, be careful with me, because I'd like to stay that way. I know it makes me a pussy and undesirable by any woman looking for strong offspring, but it is who I am with all my flaws, and it may be the only Tim that I will ever be.

Understandably heartbroken-
Tim

Currently listening to "Mad World" by Gary Jules
Currently discussing political issues on "An Idea Exchange"

Unsatisfied

Good afternoon...

I am feeling a little underused, underappreciated, and undersatisfied right now. I should request a meeting to make sure that I'm doing what I should be doing and making sure I am doing an ok job at work. I should have a lobotomy so I can quit desiring, so I can be fully satisfied all the time.

Anyway, gotta run,
Tim

In case you were wondering

I did get paid. I am going to have buco parties this weekend and I'll see you on the other side.

Peace-
T-dog

another day, another drachma

Good morning everyone-
Well, the countdown continues... will I get paid today? We didn't receive our mail saying our time was approved, but the website says we are. If I don't have my money by noon today, I'll be making some phone calls ;)

Anyway, I hope the world is a better place today. I went out and shot pool with Joe last night and today I'm doing a weird work schedule so I can get our of here early. I almost made a live internet video at this link here. In one scene that looks like it is at night, that is the one in the room I work in. Which brings up the point of, How much light does a human being need?

Well, need to look busy,
Peace-
Tim

New discussion blog up and running

You can get to the new blog here

Hopefully everyone can join and have the fun discussions of today... *hint hint*

Peace-
Tim

life and something like it

I'm thinking I may starting a new group blog. I would love some help if there's anyone that reads this and would consider doing a group blog with me, let me know and we can start some discussions. No subject will ever be taboo, except of course the issue that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my chinese or american heritage as a negative is, I collect your f*ckin head. Just like this f*cker here.

Now if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, NOW'S THE F*CKIN TIME!!!

ok, what? Oh sorry a little Oren Ishii quote for you, but please, let's discuss, I have a variety of friends, I'm sure we got some discussing to do.
Let me know-
Tim

much better

Here I am sunday night. It surprises me the affect that a good conversation can have. I am chipper and am looking forward to the week almost. I have an upbeatness that can last for a while longer as far as I am concerned. I enjoy being in a good to complacent mood so much more than I like being in a depressed state. Well, gotta run.

I hope you all are doing better tonight too...

a bit better

I was just wondering how you could know for certain...
I don't know if we're supposed to be together, but I do know I want to be together
I enjoy your company, you make my life fun, even when I have to work 50+ hours a week


Maybe I should move on, get a life, do whatever...

I don't know about that stuff, I know that I love you-
me

another funny

Kikkoman cartoons

my wants...

I want to try and work on this
I want you to want to work on this
I want you to want me
I want you to want me, for who I am
I want you to see the potential here,
I want to be the man you want
I want to be someone you can be proud of
I want to not be a paranoid freak
I want to be totally normal and not care about anything
I want to remain sensitive, please be careful with me
I want you to know that I love you and I want that to be enough

I'm hurting


I hurt...
I want to stop feeling...
I scream and yell and try with all that is within me for you to hear, but it comes out as a little whisper...
I want to be held
I want someone to say that it will be ok
I want someone to call me and cry with me
I want someone to say yeah lets go out, lets get you a life
Have you thought of trying... would you like to try it with me?
Let's have an adventure...

I want someone to be here and hold me
I want someone to say that it will be ok
I don't want to hurt anymore
I don't want to hurt anyone anymore
I don't want this feeling in me
I don't want to feel and all I can do is feel

I want to talk about it, but I can't
I want someone to love me for all that I am and for all that I will become,
I want someone to say, you don't fit my mold right now, but we'll work on you getting closer together
I want someone to want me

rejection sucks...

Some Funny Stuff

Big Store cartoon
Weapon of Choice cartoon

what is love?

It is a feeling. It is a touch. It is trust. It is knowing someone well enough that you should walk away in disgust, but don't. Is it something you grow into? Or something that has to just happen... Can you turn love on and off? Is there a switch that says I could love this person or no?

What about growing pains? Are there things to learn from the growing pains? Is there a magic key for becoming the right person? Or are all relationships a work in progress, a commitment to find equal ground? When love fails what is left? A friend, a past love? Do you press on or call it quits? Is there a silver lining?

I'm going to bed, I have work tomorrow,
Peace-
Tim

OT and the life that's passing by

Here I am. Working 11 hour days, well at least one. I want no personal debt to speak of, but I have it in large quantities. So now I must work the mad hours and pay it down. Goal: remove credit cards from my life, be able to go where I want, when I want.

So how are you today? I am a bit sleepy, but woke up at 7am almost on the dot. Of course I woke up because I was horny as all hell, but what can you do? Good dreams though.

Here I am again, blogging, writing my diary for the world to see. Peter and I, and whoever else at the house that wants to, are going to the new restaurant/bar 1.5 blocks from the house tonight. So that should be fun.

Well, off to play some video games... err... TEST some video games... yeah, honestly I can't complain,
Peace out-
Tim

jealousy

I am so jealous of one of my friends. She has no personal debt to speak of and has a job that she can take vacation days from. I work in an industry that promotes personal debt and punishes for sick days.

Things Tim needs to do:
1) Expand my circle of friends. I need a support network in place for life's little tragedys. I have a good circle right now, I just need to diversify
2) Get out of personal debt. From now till my credit cards are paid off, I will buy no more video games, TVs, DVD players, sound systems. I will spend all my extra money trying to pay off my credit cards. I can go see 1 movie in the theater a week, but that is it.
3) give my old clothes to good will or another thrift shop. Time for some spring cleaning.

Question: Is it childish to love someone that doesn't love you back? Do you just delay the pain and/or prolong it?

Peace-

up too early? or late?

I woke up at 1:30 and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I hope the rest of the world has been sleeping good.

Peace-

frustrated

I wish I had someone else to talk to.... I wish I had someone like you that loved me.

doing better

Note to self: research movies before watching trailers. Especially at work.

How is everyone doing? Good I hope. So I was reading Craig's list this morning. That is a weird site.

Woke up at the crack of 6:48 with my biological clock a ringin'. Silly body, waking up early is for people that work early. Not the rest of us who have to be at work by 9:30.

Anyway, it's 9:30 so I'm werkin-
Peace

missing her

inside there is a hole where you used to rest,
I would long for you and you would come and fill the hole,
but now I long and you do not come,
you can't come close so the hole can close, and my mind tell's me it's for the best,
but my heart still hurts and it wants you,
it says she'll fit perfectly, she'll take you away, she'll stop the pain,
but it can't be, and i can't tell my heart that it'll be better, it won't hear it,
my heart wants you and hurts me that I'm letting go,
It says remember her and don't let her go, fight, tell her how much it hurts,
but i can't convey that, i don't want to hurt you,
i just want you back, but since i can't have that, i want you to be happy,

in my cowardly way, I post this to the internet, and those who know can read it, and hopefully it can heal, but sometimes I wonder if it won't just hurt people, I am so sorry, my heart hurts and I need to write it down before i can let it go, I am sorry

tearfully-

So what now?

Hey Everybody, ok, I only have 1 confirmed reader, but still I like to include everyone, just in case someone stumbles upon my site by accident. (It happened 1 time, it could happen again) Props to Racheal for finding it:)

My life has been changing and staying the same all together. My Piano lessons are going great. I am proving to be a record breaking student. Everything except my project piece is coming along. The project piece should be done by next week. So that's cool.

I'm still torn by my love for my ex girlfriend and wanting to move on. Maybe this is one of those growing pains they were talking about. Maybe this is throwing yourself at something so you don't have to deal with the emotional side of things? Maybe this is I have extra money now, so I should buy myself something nice that will help make me feel something?

Well, thus ends another uplifting post to the blog...
Peace-