the long dark of Moria

Music: Liz Phair- Evening with Liz Phair... "Favorite"

Here I am. I just had a mostly excellent 2 days "off"... for those in the know, that means I only worked before 2am on saturday and after 6pm on sunday. So far I have 17.5 hours this week!

So I'm considering this the long dark of Moria. I'll be fighting the Ragnarok, or the Balrog, or whatever an end of a project is called....

And then what? Does part of me die with this project? Do I lose my gandalf part of me? Do the 9 represent parts of the psyche, with gandalf being the sane part? Will I totally lose it in 3 weeks?

I think I may be able to go into the long dark of Moria... I am wondering if I'll be able to keep up my blog, or if it'll run by the wayside like my other aspects of my life? Will I keep this going as part of my "sanity check" things that give me life outside of work? Or will I get SO engrossed in the game that I won't have time for even blogging?

Well, I'm going to go sleep now. I hope all that are reading this have had a good day and that I may hear from you soon. Please forgive me if I can't respond to emails right away, I'll try to make sure I get my responses done everynight...

Peace-

hmmm... off for 8 hours or so...

And at the 11th hour, the boss comes in...

who can stay till 2?... I look up, I am expected to stay, I will stay...

I run into the studio manager, we talk about footage... my homework... watch the attract videos for 1...

I was going to have 2 days off.... I'm going in late tomorrow night. I did get 35+ hours off:) This is an accomplishment, especially when you consider most people aren't spending more than 10 hours away from work at a time these days...

5 weeks and the countdown continues... am I numb, or am I just tired?

Peace-
T

ahh... the weekend off

Hey Gang-

I'm taking the weekend off!!! Can you believe it? I think I'm going to have a meltdown from not working ;)

OK, but seriously, I totally need to get a watch this weekend. Or soon anyway. I am always pulling out my cell phone to see what time it is, and I think people are thinking I'm expecting a phone call, but really I'm just looking at the time!

In other news, my work load is getting lightened so that's something. Any suggestions on what type of watch I should get? I know I don't want a target $5 dollar special, and the smart watches don't really interest me either:P Oh well, I'm sure I can find something.

Oh yeah and 1 credit card has been paid off!!! Woohoo!!!

Peace-
Tim

oh yeah, contracts...

I forgot to mention that I talked to the land lady tonight and she's fine with removing me from the lease and having someone else sign it whenever we decide I am moving out. So that is a happy thought.

Goodnight-
Tim

Bill removal the Christian way

Sometimes, I just LOVE to read the headers from my junk mail folder. I especially love the ones with "christian" in the title. Like somehow christians are stupid enough to believe anything because they believe in something. I think that may be true in some cases, but there are those who actually hate the selling of christianity as it is done in north america.

Anyway, I'm going to go sleep now as I've determined that I AM in fact emotionally and physically drained.

Peace-
T

Mighty O donuts

So I'm thinking of adding this blog adsense thing so that I can get money for people clicking on links from my page. I'm not sure if getting money for blogging is a good thing, or if it will take away from the honesty that is this blog.

Oh yeah, and to kick off the posting... you should go get a donut

Peace-

ready, ok, fuck everything up

Well, it seems that I'm no good at maintaining my friendships with people while working 80/hr a week.

Or maybe it's just that I'm not good at relationships in general. I can't tell if my friends are doing ok or not. I live in this haze where I can only pay attention to half the things I'm doing half of the time, and then I tend to fuck something up that should have been so simple.

I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but I'm wondering if I should be allowed to care about anyone, or if I should just become an old hermit and yell and thrash out at anyone who tries to get close. It would be for their own protection. Should I be alone? Should I push people away? Do I push people away?

Oh fuck, I don't know.

Just remember, I'm covered in needles, if you try to hug me, you might get hurt.

Peace-
T

news of the day...

I am tired. But more importantly, two men walking home from somewhere got into a fight in front of my house and threw bottles into the street! This is great except for the fact that people DRIVE on the street.

Anyway, the neighbors picked up the bottles.

Credit cards are getting paid off, so that IS a happy thought. Also, Houck came up and dropped off comics for me to read in my spare time So I'm reading this one called "Criminal Macabre" which is a vampire story... which I enjoy.

Oh yes, and my favorite news of the day! Tim has to sign the Fucking Lease! Yeah, so I am legally saying that I'll be responsible for a house for the next year that I'll live in for 3 - 4 months.... I seriously HATE this idea.

Peace-
Tim

who needs sleep, or time off work, or anything really...

Well, I am officially exhausted. I thought I could hold out this time. But I think I'll be cranky and exhausted until next saturday when I am officially allowed to sleep in again.

This work week is going to be LONG! We're putting in 12 hour days this week. Oh well, I was the one that signed up for this, right?

Song of the day: Love Everybody - Presidents of the United States of America

I have trouble remembering my name these days. Am I sure this is what I want with my life? Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't quit and join the circus or something...

Ahh exhausted ramblings...
Peace-
Tim

sleep, humidity, heat, and the neighbors...

My neighbors are having a party right now. I'm so exhausted, but for some reason my brain won't shut off because the condensation, mixed with heat, mixed with drunk guys yelling someonthing outside of my window is keeping me awake... :P

So I got to sleep at 2am last night and woke at the early hour of 10am, but tonight I'll be going to sleep at 12:30 and waking at 8:30... which is technically the same number of hours I think :)

I'm having trouble staying focused at work. I think I need a vacation. Maybe 2 days off...?

I really want to go see some movies, but I need to get off before 9pm for that.

Anyway, sleep time.
Peace-
T

out at 1am

Got out of the office at the wee hours of 1am this morning. That was a long day. Now I'm exhausted, so I'm going to go to sleep.

I hope everyone is doing good and I hope to talk to you all again soon.

Peace-
Tim

YAY for CDs

I forgot that I was going to mention my co-worker is picking up me some CDs:) I'm getting some Modest Mouse, some They Might Be Giants, and some Deathcab for Cutie. So that's exciting.

I've now resorted to hiring my coworkers to purchase music for me, because I'm always working :)

Well, now I'm going for real. I just had to share the new music loving!
Peace-
T

More Craziness...

So I was supposed to go to the bar tonight. But instead I walked around Greenlake with Cahlen. Then I came back here and took my shower and shaved!!!

So I totally woke up late this morning. I slept until 8:37 which meant I had to rush out the door. So I got out of work at the early hour of 8pm and now I'm doing laundry:) I think I want to get high, but instead I'm going to go to sleep and dream about beautiful things and when I have to wake in the morning I won't be all exhausted. At least that's the plan.

I've decided to build my roommate a DVD tracking system so he can keep track of his plethora of DVDs and not have to keep buying repeats.

I'm still considering running down to the bar tonight. Maybe I'll head down after my laundry gets done and I have some pants to put on.

well, I'll check you guys later.
Peace-
T

here is a picture of the phallac banana of mortgage rates... thought you all might enjoy :) Note see post below.

the dancing mortgage banana

So I wake up at 2:58 am and have to pee and get some water, but I also log in to hotmail to check my message.

When I eventually pull up the messagem there is a banana with a fruit basket at the top of it, all 50 states down the middle and a banner across the bottom. It reads "Mortgage Rates Hit Record Lows".

My questions are:
Why a banana? What does a banana have to do with mortgage rates? Why is the banana wearing a banner and fruit basket hat? Why does the banana also look like a dildo?

This is a very tramatic thing to see at 3am :)

Goodnight-
T

The overworked and the unemployed

I've been thinking about how the unemployed and those that don't have any days off are very similar....

You can tell if it's the weekend because traffic has changed.
You can tell if it's the weekend because your friends have some days off.
You can tell it's the weekend cause the bars stay open later.


That's all I've come up with. If you're working, you can tell it's the weekend because you get to come in later than usual. But that's about it:)

Album of the night: Meat Loaf - Couldn't have said it better myself

It's true... I secretly enjoy the Meat Loaf. This is Bob. Bob has Bitch Tits. :) Ahh Chuck.

Well, it's time to sleep. Peace to my friends-
T

me and my 400 kids...

So I was checking the craigslist personals and ran across this lovely girl. I just thought it was hilarious that one of her requirements was that the man not have 400 kids.... I wanted to ask her if 2 were ok, or 1... but figured it wasn't worth the time... and no, i only go to these ads for a laugh, never for love....

I think I may be going crazy. I have been thinking that I was doing ok at work and in other aspects of my life (AKA work) but I'm not sure. I do know that I have trouble thinking sometimes, and will have people ask me several times before I'm able to answer them. But that may be because I have 5 people asking me questions at the same time...

Anyway, I have also been using the "Next Blog" at the top of the page. It seems to point to random blogs and tonight I also found this one. I was just grabbed by the title of the first post... "Boys are Dumb. Document #15", which I had to agree with, but also the subject of internet porn in a relationship from a girls perspective was nice.

So, if you're wanting a neet read, I like to just click the next blog and see where I go.

Peace-
Tim

ok, just sleeping

So I WAS going to wake up at 6:40 this morning and go running. I really WAS. But the snooze alarm started talking to me. He was all like, no Tim, press me. Press me! There will be time for running tomorrow... Damn snooze alarm...

But seeing as I went to bed at around 11:45, I think I was justified to sleep in a little. My inbox is empty, and I have nothing to read. I need to figure out a program to write that will impress the bosses and be something that I will enjoy. Any ideas?

I would like something that would be a fun growing learning experience and also be something fun for my friends to play with. Or I suppose I could do a DVD tracking system, so my roommate could keep track of his DVDs. (me too for that matter)

Well, it's work time. I'll catch you guys later-
T

Running and sleeping

So I'm going to bed early tonight so I can run in the morning. I've lost my running buddy, so I'll have to convince myself to wake up, which can be difficult, especially since sleeping is so nice!

Anyway, I got off early tonight and hung out with Cahlen. We had Thai and watched Kill Bill 2. That movie rocks! I hope they end up putting out a directors cut with the 2 movies as 1, since that was the original intent. No.2 shouldn't be watched by itself, but compliments 1 nicely.

Karla is moving in tomorrow. So that's something. I'm a little lost in the world right now, but work is keeping me busy.

Peace-
T

I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way

Well, at least I try to stay sensitive. I think it would be easier, this life, if I were a bit more hard hearted. If I didn't care who I hurt or how anyone felt about me. Maybe then I would go through this life without being hurt. But when I hurt others, I have this deep sharp pain that haunts me.

I think Jesus got off lucky. I mean, he got to die for all of humanity. Who gets to die for all of humanity anymore? I mean, even if you got the opportunity, there's too much information out there already. Jesus had the timing. I mean, christianity spread like wild fire back in the early days. If you died to save humanity today, you'd probably just get scorned for being a show off! Welcome to the cynical world of the real.

If I could take on the pain of the world I think I would. I think I could take it. I think I would rather have me suffer than wish it on my worst enemy. I think I am being big headed and trying to steal the show. How is it that we are all so selfish? Always wanting what's best for us alone...?

Well, I've rambled enough. I'm in a weird place. Sorry if this finds anyone in a crazy state as well.
Peace-
T

running is fundamental

I was reading over here last night and was thinking about the whole "Truth" thing.

See my deal is not with christianity, my deal is with Christians that use "Christianity" as a basis of their personal agendas. To be a follower of the Christ (AKA Christian) you would try to emmulate him. From my readings the only people that Jesus of Nazareth didn't like, were the people that took God from the people and put it in a temple. The Christ I am familiar with, made God into an identifiable need that we all have to be loved fully. He preached love and kindness, which some wicked people have turned into a personal club of "I get into heaven, you don't" because I take all sorts of shit out of context and would make a religion of hate and intolerance. My favorite are the different denominations of christianity that would try to become MORE elitist by saying ALL the OTHER forms of christianity are wrong! OMG people, when did Jesus ever turn away a person? When the crowd brought the adulteress to be stoned, did he try to tell her that she was evil and these men had a right to stone her? No. He told them that if they were without any moral defects they could stone her, and then when they had left, he asked the girl where her persecuters were, when she told him that they had left, he didn't make her feel like shit. He just told her that he accepted her and that she should not do that anymore. It's no wonder this man has a following. He'll take everyone, even when they're at their lowest.

I think Jesus is a man I would like to emulate. My heart is heavy for people that have to deal with the confines of a restrictive religion that tells them that some "sins" are worse than others. I think I really like the taoist philosophy of going with the flow.

I don't know if I made any sense, but I hope I've explained my religion to all the people who have never heard of the Loving Christ.

Peace-
T

Or you could just go to sleep

I went over to Peter and Hope's new place tonight, to see if I could help with the speaker setup. The title of this post is what Hope recommended when I said I should come home and clean my room.

I started cleaning my room before work this morning. It's cool to see the floor. I think I'll be finishing it up in the morning.

I'm hoping to get a call from a friend tomorrow, but I'm trying to keep my expectations low. Last time we talked I fucked up big time and I'm not sure if we're talking yet:(

I'm not sure I know what love is right now. I know it's not sex. I think it's the ability to care about someone no matter what they are or who they've done. It's looking into them and seeing the good that lies in us all. I believe it does exist in us somewhere. It's the ability to remove the "what can this person do for me" element.

I don't know if I have the altruistic heart that I would like to have in the love I described in the last paragraph. Trust is required in excess. Trust is required and the ability to roll with the punches when the trust is broken. I think Jesus and Ghandi were on to something. You can change the world by not asserting yourself with violence, but with passive resistence.

I'm probably full of bullshit right now, but what can you do?
Peace-
T

I am teh sl4cker

I'm at work right now and have spent a little while going through this blog.

I have been at work for 9 hours now and I am a little brain fried :( Also, I have no email and would like something to read, so if anyone wants to send me something, I would be happy to read it. Also, if anyone has any good links you can also post a response at the bottom of the page.

Anyway, I should be working...
Peace-
T

life is what happens between MS contracts

So I have 3 bosses. They are all at 3 different pay levels. That is each is the boss is over the last. I have a knack of having useful knowledge that gets me noticed. So my most direct boss now only can schedule me for 40% of the week. The rest is available for random tasks by the other bosses.

I would love to start coding again, but I told them I'd need some brushing up. The truth is, I could probably easily write a program that they want. It might just take me 2 more days than a person that's used to programming. Of course, maybe that's just me and my big head

Album of the night: Murder by Johnny Cash

It's weird dealing with the 3 levels of bosses. Especially since 2 of the bosses seem to be on the same page, where the other one seems to be doing some crazy stuff sometimes. It seems like I have quite a bit to learn and I hope that I can wane the information I need out of this contract. It seems like if I can figure out what they want, they would allow me to join forever in the fraternity de MS. We'll see. It also seems that my life is devoted to the MS lifestyle right now. I am prepared to give my blood and money, is that's what's needed?

A ladybug just flew in:)

Anyway, I should sleep. I hope everyone is doing well. 12 - 10 tomorrow:)
Peace-
T

Creative title here

So I helped Mike build his first computer last night. It was exciting and ran uberlate. i.e. 12:30am So I got home and asleep by 1:30...

At 6:40 this morning my alarm went off for me to get up and go running. THAT was the joke. I decided that sleep for 1 more hour was key. Since I'll be getting off at midnight tonight, I figured, what the hay, another hour of sleep.

So, now I'm at work. My Cohorts are coming in at noon, but I am in at 9. Well, I have a status report due soon, so I better type that up.

Talk to you soon-
T

who needs sleep?

It's 12:39. I was supposed to practice programming and clean my room. I have done neither:)

Instead I played Doom 3 on my roommates computer and exchanged emails with a friend. So I am awake and in pretty bad shape. I haven't had any caffiene(sp?) since about 9 pm!!! That's almost 4 hours ago!!!

I must sleep... I'll hopefully talk to you all again soon.
Peace-
T

Wednesday = humpday = traffic = bad

First, I have to give mad props to Mike and Kimber, 2 random Seattlites that stumbled across my blog last night. It's always weird having people randomly stumble across my blog. So far everyone has been cool, so that's rad!

Anyway, traffic was teh SUCK this morning. It took 40 mintes for a 30 minute commute, and everyone was about cutting everyone else off. Oh well, I'm not too concerned about it.

I've got to work, Peace-
T

hopes and expectations...

It's weird the diffences between hopes and expectations. It seems that if you mix the 2 up you will get hurt more often than you would guess.

Hopes are the things that you can throw your effort behind. You can hope with all your might and can protect yourself from disappointment, IF your expectations are kept low enough.

I can hope that a party I throw will be hugely popular with 20+ guests, but if I expect half the people to not show up and just have the 10 that always show up, then I won't be disappointed when only 10 show up. I can be pleasantly surprised when 20+ show up.

I think keeping expectations low is also a good way to deal with people. But is that true? Should you keep expectations low when dealing with people? Maybe you should only keep friends that challenge you and help you grow. Maybe you should set high standards. Maybe you should only be friends with people that are good.

Maybe I am full of shit and should go to bed as running at 7am comes early.

Peace out-
T

Always

Song for the day: Happier by Guster on the Lost and Gone Forever CD

Peter is almost officially moved out. It's going to be weird not having him live across the hall from me anymore.

I've had a couple drinks and am a bit tired so I'm going to go to bed before I say anything embarassing...

Peace-
T

Joanie loves Chachi

I am a sea of emotions right now. I have rejoicing, mixed with regret, mixed with fear, mixed with anticipation, mixed with humility, mixed with sorrow, mixed with excitement...

Here I am laid naked on the altar of self awareness. Look at me and laugh and cry.

Peter is moving out:( Karla is moving in :) I have a new friend :) I'm losing an old friend :( I am giving my life to the Microsoft machine.

I don't know what I'm saying so I'm going to sleep.
Peace-
T

paying off the CC

So I think the Credit card peeps don't like the paying off. Everytime I put down a large chunk of money they increase my limit. Everytime I want to pay off a card, they want to have problems so that I can't :P

Damn you credit card peeps!!!

Oh well, the cable guy is coming in the morning and I'm supposed to be up to greet him at the door at 8am so I should really go to sleep. Now I just need to remember to pay off those damn credit cards in the morning!

Hope you all are having a great night.
Peace-
T

Busy busy days

It's crunch mode in t-minus , oh wait, we're in the middle of it. Another day and we've got Strep throat in the office. I am praying that I don't get it, and neither do my testers. I guess time will tell.

I got a package from a friend today. I need to start reading again, and filling my head with fun ideas.

Anyway, I need to sleep. Running in t-minus 7.3 hours.
Peace-
T

Tyler's complete lack of surprise

So, I'm having trouble sleeping. It's one of those toss and turn nights.... So I popped in a little Fight club:) I love that movie. It got me thinking about some things... If I wake up too exhausted too many days in a row, Do I wake up as another person? Am I actually 2 people living my life? I feel as though my life could be pulling in 2 different directions. My reponsible side wants to get full-time employment with MS, while my playful side wants to say F*ck it all, I'm going to work at subway!

Anyway,I used to think I had a lot of posts on here "566"... but now I realize that all those months that I took off from blogging were months where other people were at least blogging once or twice a week :) Good thing this isn't a competition, otherwise I would have lost:P

Note to self: Must update blogger profile to include mulholland drive... also, must sleep, we wouldn't want to wake up tyler:)

nothing much...

So I am basically managing 14 people now. I am Mr. "go-to-guy" in the department. I know that some of my coworkers despise me for this, but I won't apologize for it. I do make myself known to be available for the developers and I do make myself available to the higher ups. If you want to despise me for doing a good job, then so be it, but don't downright undermine me.

I don't know, it seems like people would rather argue with me, since I sincerely have no power over them, than to try to help me with something that a developer might need.

Anyway, I digress... I wanted to write about the things one deals with when "managing" 14 people, or something like that. I forget.

Anyway, I should start programming again and maybe I'll be able to get a really real job!! Now if I only knew where that quote came from... dammit!

Goodnight-
T

to sleepy...

I'm going to bed, but I wanted to write you all and wish you a happy sleep and peace in this world.

Remember... You are beautiful :)

Peace-
T

New movie I MUST see

So my friend just sent me a link to Team America

Which looks hella good and I wanted to share it with you all.

So THERE!
Peace out-
T

therapy music

I'm listening to Guster right now. It's good therapy music. Some of the songs are good for being alone. Some are good for heartbreak. Some are good for starting over. Some are good for finding someone new.

I'm confused as to who I am right now, or what music I need. I know that I'm a good person that will continually try to do the right thing. If that's not a desirable attribute, then I guess I won't be desirable. Everything in me wants to help others succeed. But even as I write that, I know it's not true. I know that I don't want people that talk down to me to succeed faster than me. I know that there are people that drive me nuts and whom I probably dislike enough to not want them working where I work.

I'm always analyzing peoples skills and where they might fit best (at work anyway) I categorize my friends. I hide my feelings, in order to self protect, as almost everyone I know will leave sooner or later.

I think I talk better in person or on the phone than I do in email, but I don't know if that's true. I know I can charm, but I don't know how I do it. Someone once told me to stop manipulating them, but I didn't know how or if I was actually doing it. I don't have a conscience malisciousness, but maybe there is something darker inside?

I want to trust new friends, but I also don't want to get burned. It's a fine line. Trust is a good thing.

I'm running in 8.5 hours, I'm going to bed.
Peace-
T