and it all falls down...

The Mt. St. Helens is quaking the earth... and scientists are giving it a 70% chance of blowing up... err, or at least erupting.

The biggest concern seems to be with the airplanes. Oh and in case you're wondering if the world is in the midst of the apocalypse... I have no idea. Sorry. But I heard there are hurricanes and volcanoes and all sorts of stuff happening.

It's my day off and I've fixed the car and eaten lunch. So I'm going to nap.

Peace-
T

3 day mini vacation...

Hey Everyone-
Welcome to the rest of my life. I think we're officially out of crunch mode. I can return to my craziness that is my life again. I need to start figuring out what I'm having for eating again.

I have a new housemate... Bryan. I hope to meet him on my mini vacation. I hope he's cool. I hope to meet up with people on this break, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to fit everyone in. But I think I'm officially done with the mad OT (Except sunday we're working 12 - 10 :P )

I need to get my programming skillz back up to par so that I can start applying for jobs. Well, I'll do that soon. In the mean time, I'll sleep.

Peace-
Tim

here I am

Here I sit at my computer, pulling the strings, making the monkey dance. I am the monkey, and I only play at pulling the strings. I react and let others have their way with me. The boss comes in and says jump, I say "How high?". It feels like a circus at work sometimes, and I'm the main attraction

I may have thursday - saturday off, but I'm not holding my breath. I can dream and imagine that I won't be at work for those 3 days, but I can't realize it or let my hope grow too large. I will officially find out till tomorrow night around 6pm.

I don't know if I'll do anything more that run errands and go do the things I thought I wouldn't be able to. (Saturday, birthday party and wedding) I have friends that I'd love to catch up with, but it seems like they will be working except on saturday. Maybe I'll catch up on some much needed sleep. Plus I'm supposed to be teaching myself how to code up to a level to be considered for an SDET position. Maybe I can work on that...

Well, I'm off to sleep. Peace-
T

sigh

Here I am. Again. 2 months later. Doing whatever it is they want me to. How time moves at an astonishingly slow rate when you're waiting for something. For some reason I thought today was sunday. I coulnd't figure out why so many people were at work at 6pm when the food arrived. It was a very weird sensation.

I worked till 1:30am this morning. I'll be back at work at 9:00. I wake up at 7:40 every morning. I think today I might be able to sleep until my alarm goes off.

My housemate lent me the flogging molly CDs so I'm familiarizing myself with them, before the concert.

I found the next credit card I'm going to pay off!!! Woohoo!!! Well, I need to sleep. Peace out-
T

Is there a reason for this season?

Here I am, lying naked for everyone to see me. I wish everyone had a blog. I could read their secret writings and keep up on the daily lives of my friends and family. I could see how people are holding up. Is this really me? Am I hiding here, or am I making myself up? I like that if you know this site, then you can check in on me from anywhere in the world. As long as I post. So that's something.

Anyway, I'm in a funk. I want things I can't have. I wonder if I need to quit caring about people and places and just give up. There are enough videogames to keep me entertained for years, but the ladies are so much more interesting. I wish sex and relationships weren't complicated, but I think that definitely makes for a more interesting life. Maybe the reason alcohol still sells so well is because of liquid courage. I know that I'm supposed to be self confident and KNOW what I want. But seriously, I have NO idea.

I wish I could cry. I have reasons to cry, but I can't. I hurt and I want and I don't know who I am. I have a bad case of debt, that I don't want. It's a burden that's been haunting me for 4 years now. I just want to be able to be out of debt and living as a free man again.

On a plus note, my housemate got me a ticket to Flogging molly on the 19th, so that's exciting. I have a friend that's having a birthday in about a week and I'm hoping to be invited to the birthday party, but I'm concerned that I've been forgotten with work and all.

Well, the clock is ticking closer to that alarm going off.
Peace out-
T

and the how's and why's?!?!

Why are relationships so... emotional? It seems to me, that perhaps I should care less about what people are and should only think of how I can use them. But I can't. I don't understand people that use other people and have no idea of the pain they cause.

I'm sure I've written about this before, but I'm trying to be a non-feeling person today as I think it will help me get through the day. I hate being sensitive sometimes.

Peace-
T

For the ladies...

I just wanted to give a shout to all the ladies in my life that make this world a more beautiful place. So, I thank you ladies for making this world a little bit more enjoyable.

Well, I should think about going to work :( 12 - 12 again today. I hope everyone is having a great day-
T

honestly now

So I'm going to sleep, but I've been having a good talk with my housemates, (That's why I am up so late) But honestly, this house behind us...

There lawn is partially yellow, the windows are partially yellow, some of the trim is partially brown... it is, by far, the ugliest house I have ever seen, and I live in a pink house!

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing good. I only have a few more days of OT and I might get to join the land of the unemployed again!!! WOOHOO!!!

Peace-
T

Somethings I don't understand

So somethings I've noticed.

I don't understand people that are cruel. I mean, I just don't understand people that are cruel. What is wrong with those fuckers.

Anyway, another thing that I've noticed is that the house behind my house (Dark brown) has been SPRAY PAINTED YELLOW!!! WTF!?!?! Yellow doesn't cover up brown very well, let alone spray painting a house!!!

Anyway, I'm at work and my build is done.
Peace-
T

4am phone calls from colorado

Here I am.

Less stressed and more relaxed. My phone rang at 4am this morning waking me up. I had no idea where I was or who was calling. upon further reflection I should have just picked up. Anyway, the number was a colorado area code. I don't know anyone in Colorado. Weird.

Anyway, I think I am doing better today. I still miss seeing my friends, but I know that I only have 2 more weeks of crunch time, so that seems to make it more bearable.

Then the great void of unemployment/new job/vacation/whatever. Scariness!

Well off to write a status report!
Peace-
T

you make me feel... EMOTIONAL...

right now... I think I can feel my brain trying to process... it's not
doing it's job though.

I am here waiting. My stomach is churning. I am filled with anxiety
and hopelessness. I feel the walls closing in. I have lost all hope. I
can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I don't know if I can
cope with it.

I'm scared. I'm not sure how to deal with my overemotional state of
being right now. I think if I sleep maybe I'll feel better, more
refreshed.

I know I miss the people I don't work with. I hate the feeling of not
knowing what's happening in my life in only a few short weeks.

i need to focus on work, but I also need to get my resume in order, so
I can possibly get another job right away.

Well, see you later-
T

Braindead at work... the day after

Here I am. Asleep with my eyes open. I've started halucinate I think. Almost all inhibitions have left my body. This is better than being drunk. This is exhaustion to the extreme.

I am frustrated now cause I wrote a post and then the blogger ate it! Ate IT!!! I hate you work!

Anyway, I have been spacing out at my desk a little today. I'm looking forward to my bed, no matter how cold it is.

I want to go to Hawaii or California or Florida and just go lay on the beach and go swimming... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's kind of scary. I don't want to lose my source of income...

Anyway, I hope everyone is good today, your brain dead friend-
T

mmm... work

I think if there were a test to see if you were an ass, I would probably pass. Sometimes I think that I'm not as sensitive as I ought to be, and other times I think I am too sensitive. Right now, after the 3.5 hours of sleep last night, I'm pretty sure I AM an ass.

Anyway, from one ass to the internet... I hope you are all having a good day and please take a nap for me today:)

Thank you-
T

i just got off work...

It's 4am, I should be asleep... but I'm not :)

I worked until 3:30 tonight and I'm going back in at 9! Well this will be a lucrative week.

Peace out-
the tired kid

sleeping is the gateway drug to being awake

So I woke up at 5am this morning from a nightmare. This was unacceptable as I was uber sleepy and couldn't get back to sleep.

Anyway, the dream...
I'm at my desk at work (yes I've been spending too much time there as I'm now dreaming about it!) and we've all had interviews. Everyone is talking about how they've gotten full time gigs or at least raises to $51/hr!!! I think it's that I had a dream that volt was taken out of the picture... Anyway, I digress... the nightmare was that after all I've tried to do for this project and with the sacrifices I've made, I was the only person that wasn't getting a raise or any recognition. It was quite depressing...

Of course, the night before last I woke up thinking I had a stomach cancer. So you can tell that I'm pretty happy these days!

Anyway, I hope everyone is good. I have to get back to the working now.
Peace-
T

here I am

So I am emotionally and mentally spent. I have trouble focusing at work and I space out from time to time. I've abandoned my idea for the alternative reality, everyone gets their own world idea. But if it ever comes together I'll either need Peter there to help work out the details, or he might just be left out ;)

So I applied for Jobs today! How exciting is that? Being burnt out and seeing the unemployment ahead of me, the work-a-holic demands I start sending out resumes at least 2-4 weeks in advance.

Anyway, I have to give a shout out to all the peeps reading, including The Nuge (<- you're the only one I know, so you get the 'The'), Ms-Chievous, Morgan, Peter, Anonymous persons, Paradox, anonymousgrrl, Palinchron, and all the other people I dream are reading this:)

Peace out-
T

the other thing

Oh yeah, and I was also thinking...

Why should getting off feel so good? I mean really? Would life be easier or harder if 50-75% of the population wasn't always thinking about sex? (I figure 25 - 50% are starving, so that's where I get that percentage from)

Anyway, I wish there was a switch for turning on and off my sex drive. I think I could be a much greater use to society with that switch. Damn, you sex drive!

I'm sleepy-
T

ok... addendum to nirvana

First, I have been getting little to no sleep, so this may make no sense, but I want to address the concerns raised about the previous post.

So in the world I create...
1. You are interacting with everyone until you
a) falling in love with someone
b) someone falls in love with you

At which point the world is copied and everyone is cloned into a personal world where
a) the person you fall in love with is in love with you (there's still the cat and mouse game of I like you, you like me, let's get to know eachother, but it works out cause the person you fell in love with has been cloned to be in love with you)
b) Yourself is cloned and placed in the persons world that fell in love with you. Yourself as the clone is in love with the person that fell in love with you, but you personally can still be in love with other people.

Problems that arrise(sp?)...
You would need massive amounts of RAM and CPU to pull this kind of worlds off
What happens when you get bored? Is there a messy breakup cause someone is still in love with you? Will there need to be built in tension in the system so that you would need to have makeup sex every now and then? (*I heard it's the best*) What happens when 2 people fall in love with each other? Do you need to create 2 worlds or can they share 1 world?

Anyway, I need to sleep,
Peace-
T

my world

If I could make a world, it would have to have many clones. I would have it be that you would fall in love with people and they would fall in love with you. I would have it be that anyone that fell in love with you, you would fall in love with. This is where the clones come in at. See you couldn't possibly love everyone that fell in love with you, and neither could the people you fall in love with, therfore... Clones. People that have a little bit different something going on so that they would fall in love... with whoever.

So, then everyone could be happy. I'd like to make a place where no one would ever be hurt and everyone can have a good time. (*can you tell I'm exhausted?*)

Anyway, It's going to be a 90hr/wk at work, but it helps that 30 were on the weekend so I only need to stay till 10 on the weekdays!

Anyway, this is me being me as an underappreciated employee...
Peace out-
T

ahhh... WORK!

So I'm back at work. It seems like I only lieft about 5 hours ago... probably because I did. I will be here until midnight making my official work hours 18.5 hours, my most worked hours in 1 day I think.

I was all like, I'm not coming in till 1:30, but I think even when I wrote that email I knew I would be in before that. As much as my boss 3rd removed is an asshole, he does have a work ethic bar none. He could make billg look a little lazy I think :)

Anyway, I need to get back to testing. I'll catch you all on the flip side!
Peace-
T

feeling bad

So, I'm thinking with all my fuck ups in relationships recently that it is a very good thing that my job has me working so many hours!

Tonight... it's till the job is done. which means it might be 4am or so before I get home? Or later? Who knows!?!?!

I'm growing my mustache for mustache monday. Maybe I'll post pictures for you people so you can run away screaming. It's all in good fun. Anyway, I need to get back to work!

Peace-
T

is this thing on?

So I got into the habit of buying these action figures for the game I'm working on. I've become a fanboy it's true. I seriously love this company and the game they are creating....

That being said... working with people can sure suck sometimes! I mean honestly, how hard is it to just come to work and do your work? Evidentally too hard for some people. But anyway, I'm going to bed because I'll be back at the office in 8.5 hours!

Good thing the money is sweet:)

Peace-
T

PS- my boss is always giving back rubs (don't ask!) and so tonight I figured turn about was fair play and he's all like, DON'T TOUCH ME!

Most hilarious thing all day!

Yay... fable!!!

So I'm playing fable tonight. I mean I HAD to buy this game. I can marry a guy in it, which I think is hilarious!

Anyway, I am doing ok tonight. I know I need to shave but I don't have the time right now (Maybe while I was playing fable I could have done that instead.) Anyway, I am going to sleep now.

Oh yeah! I got the coolest wedding invitation today. My friends Kevin and Jenny are getting married and I just hope someday I can have wedding invitations as cool as theirs!!! Oh man!

Anyway, to bed for me.
Peace-
T

Fugly!

Yes it's true. Fat does weigh less than muscle. I've now lost 5 lbs since the beginning of the OT. I think this is more due to the fact that fat weighs less than muscle, more than me getting in shape... although OD'ing on stress could probably do it as well... hmm... Anyway, I've given up shaving. I decided that I am no longer going out, so why shave?

OK, really. I think I'm probably pretty messed up in the head right now, what with all the OT and everything, but this last weeks paycheck was RAD!

Note to self: I need to buy star wars:)

Peace-
T

doing better...

Hello everyone-
I just wanted to let you know that I am doing better. I got 7+ hours of sleep last night and hope to do the same tonight. So, that being said, I need to go to sleep now:)

I hope everyone is doing good and I'll talk to you again soon!

PS- thanks for visiting my little corner of the world!

Peace-
T

depression

I think it's safe to say that I've slipped into the warm folds of depression now. Which is funny because Scorpio's have a tendency to over think things, and diabetics are prone to depression.

It seems that my hatred for upper management to be totally and completely ineffective has started to turn inward. As if their inability to lead was directly affected by my inability to follow.

That quadrupled with the affects of stress and worry in my life all compounded together makes me think I'm a little depressed.

I think I'm going to be sick...
Tim

and the stress compounds...

Sitting in my office, surrounded by my peeps, I am plagued by stress from every direction. Our manager walks into the room... Porkchop Sandwiches (Code for five alarm fire, defcon 5, threat level red) We need to do something and have it done 5 minutes ago...

This is my day in a nutshell...
9am, arrive prop build
9:15, manager porkchop sandwiches
9:30 - 10, coworkers show up... why did you prop build, I was in the middle of something
10am - 12... porkchop sandwiches every 15 - 30 minutes
12 - 12:30 lunch (aka prop a new build and sit at my desk)
12:30 - 6pm - porkchop sandwiches every 15 - 30 minutes
6 - 6:30 - dinner (sometimes in the cafeteria!!)
6:30 - 10pm porkchop sandwiches...
10 - drive home, sleep for 7 hours, drive back
repeat!

So, I'm going to get back to my most recent porkchop sandwiches!
Peace-
T

Growing Pains

I think I am growing. It feels like a sharp pain in my heart and a dull ache mixed together. Or is that self realization that I am, in fact, a true asshole?

I know that I have lost my desire for almost everything. I think a wise man once said lose all desire and you will find nirvana. If he didn't he should have.

I yelled at the cafeteria manager in email today. Basically I told her that having to eat in the cafeteria for 14 meals out of the week and not having Mongolian Grill on friday REALLY REALLY sucked. I'm sure she gets emails like that all the time, but it was my first time saying something. The cafeteria has lost all appetizing aspects. I now eat only to sustain this damn body of mine.

3+ more weeks of 84+ hours... w00t. I pre-ordered some video games today. Halo 2, cause I can't gaurantee that I will get a copy of the game, let alone my friends that post comments about wanting it on my blog :P

OK, I need to sleep. I'll catch you guys on the flip side.
Peace-
T

Here I am, stone me please

I was thinking about how lovely it would be to get stoned and not have a care in the world. Then I realized that I would be a stoner. And I would probably lose all ambition. I really like my ambition...

I've been thinking about church and how I'd like to find one again. I think I may be able to find one where I didn't get pissed at the people all the time and they would be real with me and I could be real with them. But I might have too abrasive of an attitude right now.

Doesn't it seem like it would be nice to believe in something so much that you'd be willing to die for it? Wouldn't it be grand to find a cause that you could say that it is more important than SELF? I think I would like that.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to die for your own sins? Or for everyone sins for that matter? What if you could just die believing you were dying for everyones sins?

I know that I'm putting this out there for everyone to see, but really, I don't think of it that way. I don't ever write to show off. Maybe something I write here can be inspirational to someone else. Maybe I will be able to go back and see how much I've changed, or not. Maybe I'll find that I repeat myself over and over again...

I know that I miss my friends and I should go to sleep.

Goodnight-
T

Life's a job, you're GOING to LOVE it

Ahh... work:)

This game is going to kick so much ass. Anyway, I hope everyone is having a good time. I'm trying to figure out if I'm still planning on moving this year, or if I should stay for the rest of the year.

Who knows... Well, I'm thinking I should stop thinking and start just not thinking.

Also, I think we're losing our Loc team in 3 weeks or so. That will be most sad:(

Well, gotta run-
T

i have the death touch

it's true, I can't stop hurting people so I'm retiring. Well, I think I'll stop posting for a while. I'm not sure. Maybe I won't.

I know I don't see eye to eye with a lot of my friends right no, and I'm uberbusy with work. I need to sleep.

Peace-
T

Employee of the month?!?

so they're giving me the "Employee Recognition award", which is great. I wish it could reflect on me as an individual in my personal relationships (or does it?). Maybe this award says, "Tim, you're willing to put everything second to your dearly loved job", or maybe I'm just being a pessimist right now.

My "Tim time" is going well. I don't have an overwhelming sense of urgency to join the people with lives yet. I Do have an overwhelming sense of guilt that I'm not doing my job well enough yet. So another day goes by and I will try harder tomorrow.

Peace-
Tim

I'm addicted to drugs...

Well probably not. But I'm having nose bleeds all the time now, and so if you didn't know me, you'd probably think that I was a coke head or something. I have no idea what's going on with me, except maybe I need to get more sleep and maybe eat more vegetables?

Well, only 3.5 more hours tonight. Gotta get my bugs in.
Peace-
T

ahh monkdom

My inability to communicate well with anyone has driven me back into this weird place where I am thinking more about what I want out of life and love and my career.

I think I have successfully holed myself up here in my little slice of cyber space. I think this Tim Time is going fairly well. My roommate, Karla, is having a party downstairs which is her and 5 other guys and Cahlen playing the Monty Python drinking game. I passed.

Instead I am going to sleep as I need to be back at work in 9 hours. Oh yeah, on the plus side, they let me out an hour early... at least I think it's a plus :S

Peace-
Tim

me and my zen searching

Here I am world.
Alive, and waiting for my sanity to return. Since I don't have time for friends per se, I've decided to stop trying to diversify my life with more than Tim time and work time. It also helps that work time takes up all hours between sleep time. (see 25 + hours this weekend, getting off at 12 tonight and coming in at 9am tomorrow)

I'm unsure what I'm going to be doing during those hours I have off, besides sleep, but I'm sure it will involve much soul searching and self discovery. I figure this is the easiest way for me to not hurt people and for me to figure out what's going on in my life.

I'm sure I'll be posting here often...
Peace-
T

I AM a horrible person

This is the only thing I can be sure of right now. I am a horrible person that should live alone and not have any friends. I can't stop hurting people and I am no good for anyone. I get scared and say shit that never should be said.

I'm an exhausted, scared, confused, emotionally wrecked man. Can I be good for anyone?

time for work.
Peace-
T

and that's the way they do it...

So they're all like, 'hey take friday night off and we'll see you bright and early saturday'... but wait, thursday night, 9:30pm... 'Who can work friday night?'

hmm... surprisingly everyone has made plans because someone told them they would have the night off... weird.

Well, feeling a little better, must sleep and let drugs do the work.

Peace-
Tim

delirium

I am at work today. I slept 16 hours yesterday and I'm still in a state of shock/numbness. I don't know if I should be here, but I seem to be getting some work done. I think it's definitely better than sleeping my days away.

Well, I need to work some more. Peace-
T

down with the sickness

So I have gotten the cold. I have a sore throat that is painful whenever I swallow, and my ear makes weird fluid noises. I woke at 5:30 this morning in a state of drugged sleepiness. I had to get water as I was parched. I was pretty sure my delirium would stay and I'd have to call in sick, but I didn't.

I'm at work now. I've lost a friend, and I'm on drugs. I should be sleeping to get rid of this, but I need to be here at work.

Peace-
T