so trav, I understand all the girls love you, but you're blind to it...

lucky bastard:)

umm... home for a while. Austin is moving out. Need to find another job...

Life is a dream, and then you wake up, and you're dead

I think John Denver said it best when he said...

"Friends I will remember you, think of you
Pray for you
And when another day is through
I'll still be friends with you"

I just want to give a shout out to all my friends and tell you that you're awesome...

waiting...
Now I'm going to a thing with Cliff tonight with his church, but it doesn't start till 7:30. So now, I'm waiting on the westside, and all my peeps are not home. Maybe if I drive to SPU I will find em, but Dej didn't answer her phone, and she's the only one I know left on the campus...

hmm...

So Mary-
Yes, I've read LOTR and the Hobbit. (Nice reference. Although, precious was more about the good person you want to be, not a ring so much) I dunno who MzJaxon is, but they are a mary on the internet that is stalking me.

Everyone Else-
Isn't it weird how we all put up a front? I mean, we can't walk around being sensitive all the time. Like I really enjoy museums and especially paintings, but if I did what I wanted to, sit and stare at a painting all day, whoever I was with would get bored and leave. And so I move on in a somewhat quickened pace and don't allow myself to want to look at the painting. I think I'm using this as a metaphor, U long for a deep trusting relationship, but you don't really have the time, and you don't know if the other person wants the same thing, so you skirt the issue... You play that you're not that interested then, if it comes up and they don't like you, then you can say, "well, I didn't feel much for you anyway", when in fact, you wanted to badly, but disallowed yourself to feel.

Everyday, I feel as though I could live like the kid in American Beauty, finding just the most mundane things beautiful, and it's cause I can. However, I find living in such a state of awareness, exhausting. The emotional taxing would be so great, and I'd probably cry all the time.

Well, gotta run, keep it real

So evidentally I'm sweet now.

At least according to the last 2 girls I asked out. Well, I guess I can't blame them, they are not in my time zone. I guess it would be hard to take me seriously.

So I'm still recovering from this weekend. I haven't stayed up so late on consecutive days for a couple of years, basically, so it's taking me a while to get back to normal. But I'll survive... and it was such a good weekend of hanging out with everyone, and doing a little reminiscing. Maybe we should do this more often.

Anyhowie... 2 more days of work. I really need to find a job soon.

Busy weekend...
Steve left for Belize. SAw the carolines on yesterday. These guys rock and the lead singer lived on my floor in college:) HE's a fun guy.

OK, well, hopefully I'll be more writingful next time.

Sorry for missing your shindigs trav. Hope you had fun.

so I found the real Cowboy Bebop site

and then Manga has a link to this site which shows manga shit on the net:)

so, in case you were wondering, I didn't go to said party last night.

I chilled with Big A at the house instead, had to run to the bank too. Sorry Trav, we'll have to meet some other time. Hope your 21 is all that you could ever want:) Especially if all you want is to legally buy alky:) Cause then you got your dream:)

also, I was thinking about something to write on blogger the other day, but then I forget what it was. Maybe I'll remember it.

There was something about masturbation, but I didn't know if it were appropriate to talk about that here;) Actually I just figured no one would want to talk about it.

So, as we move on... The question of the day is, "who is mzJaxon?" if you can tell me the answer, I'll write "her" back. If no one can, she'll just have to keep emailing me with no replies:(

Also, Mary, why (a.k.a. "Gollum")?

How did I get this nick?

It's the first time I've seen it. Also, are you mzJaxson? Ewww.. I am for real. Never meant to make your daughter cry. I apologize a million times.

lalala

so, I'm supposed to go to Trav's party tonight, but I don't have anyone to go wif. C'est la vie. I know if marc were here he'd go with me:( Maybe I'll get my ass in gear, but something tells me I'll prolly just chill with the roommates like I do everynight. Not that that's bad, but they don't put out;)

Actually, I love you guys, ttyl

so, I'm super productive Tim today, I think I got almost all my stuff blasted through at work today!!!

ok, they XPised, msn.com

and now, (french?)bebop

I think it's the apocalypse

YAY!!! Internet speeds are back up at the house:)

Also, I am feeling better today, maybe I just needed an extra 5 hours of sleep.

Also, kevin and I started watching "The Sopranos" last night, so far I give it 2 thumbs up.

BTW kevin, Don't forget that you want to buy Momento:)

I feel I should say something, but words are eluding me.

I cannot articulate myself at all.

My misunderstandings cannot be perceived.

chaos ensues.

Nice poem Tim.

What a lazy day off. I didn't really do much today. Played some Red Faction, messed around on the internet a bit, cleaned up my room a little, and stuff like that. Nothing big, that's for sure. I did get Musicmatch Jukebox installed on my machine, so now I can make mp3's and burn mix cd's. Woo Hoo! I also picked up the new Incubus cd, but haven't had a chance to listen to much of it yet. What I have heard sounds pretty good, but I'm not sure what songs I like on it yet.

I just got done watching High Fidelity. That's a pretty good movie. I would say more, but then I'd have to dissect my thoughts too much, and I'd write a few pages instead of a few sentences.

I came home sick today, slept from 2:30 - 7:30, sorry kelley I won't pass the quiz on "passions", I was asleep, doing better now, ttyl

Random fun quote of the day, courtesy of Roger Ebert:

"Being eaten by a raptor ranks high on my list of inappropriate touching."

It's sad when the house you have high speed internet in is slower than your shared 768 connection at work.

also, I don't think you could be addicted, but curiousity did kill the cat,
I remember when I was like 20 and I would have cravings for beer, and the funny thing is, I hadn't had a beer since I was like 4. My mom always used to tell me to try the "brussel sprouts" cause I might have grown to like them since last time, and although I'll never "grow to like" brussel sprouts, I think I did grow to like beer.
weird moms

I'm in a funk, can anyone set me free?

A loss of innocence

I sit in my corner waiting,
I will protect my precious,
you cannot see him,
he is precious,
If you approach,
I will surely kill you,
Do not get too close,
my claws are sharp,
my mouth is hungry,
You would destroy him,
but you cannot,
I will not let you,
he is my precious and you cannot hurt him,

In the coming darkness,
the voices cry out,
the hands reach,
you want my precious,
you will take him for your own,
your claws reach and pull,
I struggle, I lash out, I hit, I bite,
Yet precious is drawn to you,
you are no good,
but I struggle,

My precious, he is delirious,
He wants to go,
you will sure destroy him,
you cannot have him,

It is a struggle I cannot win,
you will feast on my precious,
he will be dead

hey guys-
check this out

So, I'm contemplating teaching english in Japan, yet again. I don't know if I really want to do it, or am just looking for something completely different to do with my life. At any rate, I do know that one group will be interviewing in Seattle in December, and so I have til mid November to make up my mind.

I get to sleep in tomorrow, as I don't have to work. I'm down to 5 days of employment. I wish there were other projects hiring right now, but everything pretty much shuts down in the winter. That's life in the game industry.

Why does everything have to be on sale when the economy sucks? It's like, hey, everyone's out of work, let's have sales on things they can't afford to get anyways. Like people are going to be able to buy something when it's 10% off as opposed to regular price. Don't stores know that they don't have the money anyways? I guess it's great for those with job security.

argh, another day another drachma...

got the call from mom tonight, no turntable for bday:(

No matter what time I leave my house, it seems like I can't get to work late. I even stopped at 7-11 this morning and still made it here on time. Oh well....

Yesterday went by without a hitch and I even have more stuff to do today. I brought in my music this morning, so I'm listening to a little D right now:)

Also, I got to eat at Pete's Pizza last night which was fun, good company.

and another thing, do you think you could get cravings or be addicted to drugs you've never had? just a contemplation...

In the immortal words of the wallflowers, "God don't make lonely girls"

So the Seattle Mariners showed what they are made of in the play offs yet again. I'm kinda bummed, but I also kinda expected this. The torture continues for the lifelong fan.

In other news... I'm still employed for about a week. I am trying to find something to do that is remotely computer/software testing related, but there aren't a whole lot of jobs out there right now. It's nice to get off work after only 8 hours though. wow. Who knew what the world looked like when there was still a little sunlight out?

working working working
at least at my other job the day flew by... oh well, back to the normal grind, at least I have work to do:)

maybe as a drunk I am not very becoming... In other news, I've worked on unwelcome hero and it's now up for public preview. hope you all enjoy it:)

I am going to have to agree with Deja, Tim: Don't post when you are drunk, it is not very flattering to your personality.

I toyed with the idea of a comments section, but it slowed the whole site down... sorry for all you mystery readers, if you want to get in touch, you're just gonna hafta email us...

random quotes I've heard in my life:
"Either it's hot in here, or I'm going through the pause again"
"I like to sit on cracks"
"This one time at band camp"

Oh wait that last one was from a movie, not really my life...

Hmm... how to get drunk tim not to post... this will be the trick I think... Personally I think he likes to post, he feels that he'll say what I won't say... weird drunk tim...

In other news, I think we could say we have different selves for different people we're around, but also reoccuring themes running throughout each self. IE, in all my selves I believe in God and respect my elders. But in some selves I'm more respectful of women and strangers than I am as other selves. When I write on blog, I think that's one self, but it's also whichever self I am at the time. Does this make any sense? Does anyone understand me?

Psycho time. I'm away from bloggs for one day, and come back to this..... Tim, I REALLY recommend you NOT make posts when you're drunk. It's not very flattering to say the least.

And now it's my turn to complain about something. I really hate it when I write a huge long email to one of my family members and they reply, three days later, with an email one sentence long. So much for attempting to facilitate a flourishing correspondence....

Also, there's nothing to do right now, I just called amidy but she is driving her mom to the airport, but not to see Jebe. Anyway, maybe I won't be bored later. Also, i have added DAMN YOU MARIA to my vocabulary. Psycho Tim...

So i think i may have figured out what to do with unwelcomehero.com

Make it a tim's poetry corner/other writings and thoughts opinions and shit... Now I just need to start programming it:)

Well, check you guys later... ps, my hair is back to brown/black.

ARGH!!! My head hurts, damn headaches!!!

Also, drunk Tim can't fuckin type, and he rambles on incoherently(sp?)

I don't know why I even let him on here. Or how he can get the fuckin password right? sorry if I offended anyone last night, but michelle from american pie 1 and 2 is a hottie. She ALMOST makes me want to watch buffy... almost....

hmm... I was trying to think of a way to get a live journal account and then realized I don't have any other friends that post to a live journal. Just Sunday hero, and I don't think she wants to talk to me anymore... :( Well, if anyone who reads this site, has an access code, I'd love to have it, so I could join and maybe "publish" some of my written words on it. (of course when I say "written words", I mean my poor excuse for poetry:)

check you guys latah

I just wanna know how many people actually click on the "I wanna cum on your face" emails that they get on hotmail? Cause evidentally someone is, otherwise why would they continue to send the emails? Fortunately I set up a filter so I don't actually have to see the shit, I can just delete it:)

:(

Also, I'd have to agree with Trav on this one, CAhlen, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

So, I'm in Oregon right now. And Kevin's in NY. Talk about a house divided:) Although I don't think that's what they were talking about...

In other news, everytime I go use the urinal at the Woodinville theater I notice the cake holders have a website on them. And I always mean to mention it to you guys, cause I thought it was really funny. Like, hey, the thing I'm pissing on has a website. WHAT THE FUCK!!!


Anyway, I'm gonna kill off unwelcome hero as pierre's site, but I will hopefully do something useful with it. Do you guys have any suggestions?

Also, do you think you can see your parents as other people see them? or is there a parent filter there... weird...

prolly won't be able to write again till sunday cause I'm at home so I'll talk to you guys latah

I want to be a 1337 h4X0r like that guy.

sometimes, I get the impression that Cahlen likes Henry David Thoreau....

weird how I would get that impression...

"What men call social virtue, good fellowship, is commonly but the virtue of pigs in a litter, which lie close together to keep each other warm."
- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

"The man I meet is seldom so instructive as the silence which he breaks."
- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

"That man is the richest whose pleasure are the cheapest."
- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

"No way of thinking, however ancient, can be trusted without proof."
- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

"It takes two to speak the truth--one to speak, and another to hear."
- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

"I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude."
- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

"City Life. Millions of people being lonesome together."
- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

it's 12:50 am , and yet I'm still drunk:)

This one time at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy:)

Say my name bitch:)

JEBE- you must - soon or we'll think you meant 3.14 :)

Also, the drunk tim is crazy:)

sometime he's just like I wanna fuck you:)
but then there' s this girl Michelle:) She's so fucking hot!!!

maybe tomorrow I'll be okay, I doubt it:)

also, SUCK MY COCK!!! (tomcats reference:))

sometimes I get the feeling cahlen is trying to get my password again.but sometimes when cahlen get's nervous he sometimes wets his pants. OK that's not true, but at least I get to watch american pie:)


BTW- I am drunk, in case you were wondering:) Also, at least I didn't open a roommate's mail:)

mmm.... I think the numb self is the bestest.

We watched "American Beauty" and now we're watching "american pie" which is always fun:) We all get laid before we graduate:)

mmmm.... laid:) BTW- this movie kicks ass:)

"no longer will our penises remain flacid and unused" :)

drunk tim still is here:)

hello this is drunk tim again

I'll talk more again latah, hopefully rachael will be on, cross my fingers:)

To answer Tim's perception question, yes, I think people can change their perceptions of others or the world. As you have experiences and gain knowledge throughout life, your views/perceptions of things will change. Now, changing how others perceive you can be kind of difficult, especially people who have known you for a while. They'll pretty much always perceive you as the way they've known you for however long.

What/which of your perceptions were you planning on changing?

You're an i-i-island.

Hey kev-
I guess, I prolly use movies, video games, and tv shows for my basis of argument because I somewhat believe that they are our modern day story tellers. I mean, Jesus/Mohammed/homer, didn't have the written word, and so they told parables/stories. I think that the forms of media that I use to convey a point have taken the place of story tellers. True, I prolly give em more credit than they are due, but I think one could make some assumptions about civilization based on the top grossing films. I also believe that music is a great persuader, maybe I should start using music to discuss my points:)

All-in-all I'm not trying to argue this with you, as I didn't take offense, just thought you might wonder why I argue the way I do sometimes.

Although, I'm just a rock, or was it an island?

also, jenny, when I read your post, I was like, "How on earth is she ever going to = pi, I mean how many years have people been working on pi, and still not been able to figure it out? And what the hell does this damn software have to do with the circumference of some damn circle?"

But then I asked kevin and he was like, she means private investigator.

moving on to perception...

I was just wondering what you guys thought about, whether one could change their perception. I know that people can get some pretty messed up perceptions on life, and I was wondering if one might change it.

I was thinking of changing mine the other day, and was wondering if I should/could. reinvent oneself? change of perception? mpd?

I dunno... what do you guys think?

So we're all just a little crazy. Or maybe Tim's just had experiences with total psychos :)

Anyhowie... such a fun day of work. Lack of communication/mixed signals or something just left me feeling weird about when I left work today, so hopefully I don't get in any trouble tomorrow. But if I do, it's not like I'm around much longer, as my contract is up in 2 weeks. I hope I can find some employment normalcy soon, so that area of my life would be stable so that pretty much everything else stays stable. Ah, the joys of debt.

And Cliffy, that was an interesting anti-Clinton post you had there. Since you introduced politics into the blog, just remember to vote for me, Big A, for President of the United States in 2008. I can't be any worse than the others available to vote for :)

ain't that the truth cahlen, sometimes I've been a fuckin idiot too

I think when Tim says crazy he means, like you said, we think differently and that's cool. Once upon a time I was a stupid little kid and I fell in love with this girl. Then I dumped her because she was "weird", but now I realize that's what I loved about her... I'm a fuckin idiot....

hahaha, so I had this whole thing written out, then blogger puked on me:P

It's not that I find women are crazy all of the time. In fact most of the time they are perfectly rational. and I don't think this is limited to females. Men can be just as crazy sometimes too. Like in this past week's episode of "enterprise", when the only rational person on the planet after the pollen got stirred up, was a girl. I mean given, she was a vulcan, but the men were just totally crazy.

Like Cahlen said, "you would not believe how little it takes for a persons mind to snap" or something along those lines:)

Well, that's pretty much it. I can't get on MSN today:(

I found this quote mildly entertaining...

"...men have a reduced mental capacity that warps their perception of reality and ability to reason. They have a terribly deluded sense of self-importance...."

-Bradley Trevor Greive

So, you think women lack the gift of rational reasoning. And men are sooo good at it. Well, all I can say is that men and women percieve things differently, so naturally, they disagree on what is an overreaction and what is not. And I know that some girls are worse at "overreacting" than others, just as some are more emotional and flighty than others, and some are more emotionally balanced. But please don't say that women lack rational reasoning. It's just that sometimes their rational reasoning is overrided by their emotions.... like Captain Kirk.....

hmm... crazy... how can I think of crazy... I guess my feelings on crazy are lacking of rational reasoning. not to say that one's feelings aren't rationale, sometimes they aren't though. And usually I've found it to be true mostly with girls. but the fact that he asks if it's that time of the month is bad. The fact that he doesn't argue with you means he probably doesn't think it's that big of a deal to argue about, but he shouldn't blow you off by asking if it's "that time of the month". So, maybe what I'm refering to as "craziness" is overreacting to the smallest of things. I dunno.

Also, it's 11pm and I'm the last one up. Weird.

PS - Weezer, Tenacious D, and Jimmy Eat World on November 15th. I'll be there, will you?

So, what do you mean by saying that girls are "crazy?" I know that girls in general have this reputation of getting all emotional and think that their boyfriends "should be able to tell/know what is bothering them" or whatever. Is that what you mean by crazy? I think it's just that you just don't understand how we think. Or maybe you do understand how we think and you think it is "crazy." I know a guy (I won't mention any names, and no, it's not you Tim or Cahlen) that discounts anything I say when I'm a little upset because he thinks I'm making too big a deal out of such an unimportant issue... most often he asks if it's "that time of the month," as if that could discount the validity of what I'm saying to him. I have no idea whether or not any of this is making any sense to you who happen to be reading this blogg. Maybe I am just crazy. Or maybe it's just time to go to bed.

THINK ABOUT IT!
After the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, which killed six and injured 1,000; President Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.

After the 1995 bombing in Saudi Arabia, which killed five U.S. military personnel; Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.

After the 1996 Khobar Towers bombing in Saudi Arabia, which killed 19 and injured 200 U.S. military personnel; Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.

After the 1998 bombing of U.S. embassies in Africa, which killed 224 and injured 5,000; Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.

After the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole, which killed 17 and injured 39 U.S. sailors; Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.

Maybe if Clinton had kept his promise, an estimated 7,000 people in New York and Washington, D.C. that are now dead would be Alive today.

AN INTERESTING QUESTION:
This question was raised on a Philly radio call-in show. Without casting stones, it is a legitimate question. There are two men, both extremely wealthy. One develops relatively cheap software and gives billions of dollars to charity. The other sponsors
terrorism. That being the case, why is it that the Clinton Administration spent more money chasing down Bill Gates over the past eight years than Osama bin Laden?


THINK ABOUT IT!
It is a strange turn of events. Hillary gets $8 Million for her forthcoming memoir. Bill gets about $12 Million for his memoir yet to be written. This from two people who have spent the past 8 years being unable to recall anything about past events while under oath! Incredible!
THINK ABOUT IT!

We're going to Ibiza:) Not really, just listening to muzak.

in other news, running was ok this morning. Gotta call the parentals today and see about $$:(

Trav: tru dat, tru dat, I don't know why the older ladies like you, maybe they've realized how a good guy could be, and they got stuck with jerks? :) just a thought.

also, I just got this link from JEBE about free mammograms and you should all click on this. You know I'm always in favor of saving breasts... umm... women.

for those ladies in my life, and those reading this blog... I've discovered something in my 23 some odd years of life...

Women are crazy. This is not one of those sometimes, some of em, it's pretty much all of you:)

Not to say this is bad. In fact how could it be? I mean if it were all bad no one would hook up. The thing I've learned is that if you're a guy, you just need to find the girl who's level and type of craziness is compatible with yours. I mean, there's gonna be times, guys, when you'll be like, umm... what are you talking about, and she'll be like, you should know. And sometimes you gotta remember that no matter what she does, this might be the least crazy girl you'll ever meet.

I remember some times when different guys in my past have been like, "Tim, I dunno if I can put up with this craziness" and to be honest, I talk bad about girls sometimes, expecially when they interfere on guy time. (IE when I want to hang out with my guy friends, but they have to go spend time with their girlfriends) But I just tell em, "Look at this wonderful girl you got. Sure she's crazy sometimes, but they ALL are. You got a good one my friend" OK, so that happened like once, but I can pretend it happened more than that:) And no, don't worry ladies, it's no one that reads this blog;)

Well, check you latah, I'm getting up in 6.5 hours for running:) YAY

Yay junk email. I just love getting spammed in my old email account. Of course, everything sent to that account is spam, for the most part, since I don't really use it anymore. At least I have a constant means of email though. Kinda like getting junk mail in the actual postal mail. It makes you feel almost alive, or at least that some junk mail list cares that you still exist.

Anyhowie... yes good old slow weekends. I got to work yesterday, then I just kinda vegged the rest of the weekend. I did change some of my room around, and hook up the neighbor-piss-off-anator (aka the home theater subwoofer, at least I turned it way down).

I need to win a million dollars. Or 100,000. That'd be nice too.

hmmm... guess it's just back to me.Now for a story about Tim and "Melissa"...

A long time ago (aka a few years ago) Tim was just doing the school thing and what not, when he got this random email from "melissa". She said she had found my site on the school's server and wandered if we could be friends. Tim was like "sure" but then he asked "melissa" if she had a webpage(after a few emails back and forth) and she was like sure... and then she sent me this page about this person that had a sex change operation(not that those are bad, it just really shocked me) And then there was a delay in writing and she got all like, "did I scare you?" and I was all like "no". But then later my friend sent me a link with our little conversation written out on the internet for everyone to see. Up until that point, I had no reason to believe "melissa" was not who she said she was. But then my "friend" had just been playing me. So now if I get contacted from people on the internet, I get all paranoid.

Besides that, some of my real life "friends" do not like to contact me personally, they prefer to hide behind an AIM alias which has no real world connection. Unfortunately since they won't tell me who they are, I am forced to block them:(

C'est la vie....

mmm... kinda a slow weekend on the blogger anyway. Spent saturday cleaning the house(much needed). Oh and I drank a little. But nothing I couldn't handle:( Steve's gonna help me drink next week I think. Watched "The way of the gun" and "O brother where art thou?". I still love O brother, and the way was pretty good. Definately worth the 9 bucks;)

I NEED CAFFEINE. ALSO, just got a phone call from someone cool;)

I guess what I'd really like, is someone to take care of me, so I don't have to have a job:)

("Check out 'Why do I need a job' by Bare Jr. if you get a chance:)")

Yeah, Jack Kerouac was a beatnic...

Jack Kerouac is dead. Do you even know what a beatnic was?

dude CAhlen, what's up with that? there wasn't any earthquake. What the fuck was it?

Jack Kerouac is a beatnic... I wanna be a beatnic.... Beatnics are cool....

So I just had the best time of my life ever... yes, EVER!!!

Imagine this, I'm driving onto the 520 bridge in horrible traffic with cops and ambulances passing us and I'm like frick, this is gonna freakin suck. And all of a sudden my car starts shaking back and forth like freakin crazy, and I'm like, "Eh?" Then I look at the other side of the bridge and it is swinging all over the place, and then these huge ass waves shower over my car and I'm like "Eh?" So I sit there going 2 miles per hour and I'm like, "This freakin rocks!" So I turn on some Coldplay and sit there swaying back and forth like I'm in a 8.0 earthquake for atleast 30 minutes, and my car is getting drenched, and I'm just chillin' thinking, "This is the coolest moment of my life..." And then I got sea sick and almost threw up and I was like, "Freakin' A, I gotta get off this bridge..."

I want to go to Tahiti:)

2:30 is waaaaaaay to late, when you have to wake up by 8:(

The one thing we yearn for in our living days, that makes us sigh and groan and undergo sweet nauseas of all kinds, is the rememberance of some lost bliss that was probably experienced in the womb and can only be reproduced at death.

-Jack Keouac

I think that's why I like to take baths....

and now for another quick one, (still to be refined)

Tears of Heaven-
sweet irritation, cleansing rawness, chapped skin,
fun splashing in puddles, rainbows, depressing gray,
one moment, sad, depressed, irritable,
the next, joy, gaiety, exuberant splendor,
renewal, life for all,
power, destruction, death

Note: that was a first run through. So if it sucks, it's cause it hasn't been revised yet:)

and now for a poem by Tim:

Conversation with my best friend-
How to explain this? I think about you everyday. It�s been a year since you were taken from our lives. We were supposed to go out with Michelle and Tracy that night. We were going to see a movie. I remember how you were going to talk to Tracy about how you liked her. But that never happened. I remember walking to school and thinking how that accident seemed really bad. I remember wondering where you were. Then the principal came over the intercom and everything stopped.

From that moment there has not been a moment that I don�t miss you. I remember how we used to just chill and play videogames. How you would smile all the time. I remember how good you were at sports. You would�ve made varsity this year for sure.

It�s been one year since you were on your way to school and that lady hit you coming around a corner too fast. She�s off paying her debt.

But what about you? There is no coming back. No homework to distract you. No person to call when I have a bad day. No one to talk with about her and what she might mean. I can feel I�m losing you. I�m sorry.

Yeah, it's kinda quiet around here now, isn't it?

Lame.

Well... Tim's not the only one losing a job soon. The project I'm working on ends on halloween. Woo hoo! oh wait, that means I'm unemployed then too. Now if I could just find something a little more permanent to do, I'd be pretty happy. That or winning a million dollars.

hmm... blog is boring w/o people posting:)

BTW, I'm in one of those "wish my job wasn't ending in a week/need money/cool new friend/tired/want home cooked food" moods

For those who haven't heard... I'm oughta a job on wednesday. I still have second job, but I prefer to have some sort dev job that's fun:)

Well, I'm working on that poem... At least trying to:) Also, if you know of any job opportunities coming up, send me an email and I'll send you a resume:)

"The only really happy folk are married women and single men."
- Mencken

So, I wrote this whole blogg one time already, and the dumb thing "couldn't establish a connection." And then it was all gone. So, I spouted obscenities to the computer and I'm typing it again.

I found this quote in the margins of my psychology book.

"I contend that nature has given males the heaviest burden of all: the burden of always having to Make the First Move, and thereby risk getting Shot Down. I don't know WHY males get stuck with this burden, but it's true throughout the animal kingdom.... It's always the male bird who does the courting dance, making a total moron of himself, while the female bird just stands there, looking aloof, thinking about what she's going to tell her girlfriends. ('And then he hopped around on one foot! Like I'm supposed to be impressed by THAT!')"

Acutally, in some species, it is NOT the males birds that have to do the song and dance. But in biology, there are always exceptions.

I finally checked out Manuel's blog today (kelley -> bro -> Man) How come he watches that WB shiznit? Oh well, he can't be all bad, he knows the JOYS of PEPSI:) PEPSI kicks ass from here to the moon:)

Also, blogger is run by about 20 monkeys I think. (thanks for the scale kevin)

Also, I stole this from Trav, sorry, at least I give you credit:) Also, Check out trav's site. He find's the craziest shiznit and posts it there

In other other news... Everytime I use the urinal at the movie theatre I'm surprised when I see a website on the cake holder thing in there... (for those ladies who don't know, they put "cakes" of pine scent in the urinals to cover up the smell of urine) I just think it's funny that someone would be a webaddress on something I piss on... weird.

I hope rachael is doing better:) Thanks for sharing

hmmm.... well it seems we'll be without cliff's and kevin's input for awhile. I just want to apologize to cahlen for seeming to gang up on him, and ask him to come home sometime. I miss him:(

Also, I got inspired for poetry today, so maybe later I can write it down and let you see it:)

gnight

Rocks can't think. They don't have any neural tissue.

So I sat around all day today wondering why I criticised Kevin for saying there are some things one can't understand when I know that I use that argument with myself all the time when trying to make sense of everything. And I realized this whole thing, for me anyway, has really just been a battle with myself. And I think that is why I got so worked up. The things you guys say are things I think still believe somewhere in my head and am just questioning them out loud. It was nice to actually get the conversation that's been going on in my head out on "paper" and I think I've learned some things, but confusion is frustrating and I'm sorry, it was innapropriate for me to let myself direct all that frustration towards you guys.

BTW- I LOVE JEWEL. If you see her could you give her my name and number and the hook up.

JEBE owes me 20 bucks.

Also, it seems that everyone is frustrated... (I don't think we are communicating effectively and I think that it's more like a pissing match now than ever)

I was just wondering how we are supposed to get an "outside" opinion.... Ask the aliens? Or maybe the talking dog? (Although I think the talking dog was raised by huMONS so I don't think his points will be valid)

I hope kevin comes back...

In left field: Jewel's new music video rocks my socks off, and also I can't wait for her new album...

and then: cliff and I didn't wake up to go running and the stupid "Yuri's revenge" doesn't get to stores till tomorrow:(

Kev, I didn't mean to offend you, or anyone else for that matter. I was just trying to say that we quite often fail to take into account that people see the world diffently when we construct the way we see the world and maybe there is a way there really is. In order to find that, we have to question why we think the way we do, and we have to be honest with ourselves even if it is scary. It's seems I presented my point poorly and that frustrated me, please forgive me for being human and allowing emotion to affect my actions and word choice.

Cahlen, it wasn't a cop out, it was an attempt to point out the futility of your argument. Ironically, I find the fact that you would call my statement a "cop out" a cop out in itself. You have failed to grasp the logic behind the statement. That is probably my fault though, my inability to communicate clearly.

But as such, if you wish me to not show up, then so be it.

This will be my last post to "Tim's Daily Adventures."

hmm... I don't think we're actually getting anywhere... Cahlen has in no way convinced me that I'm a rock, and I've in no way convinced him that I'm worth more than a rock. And yes, I'd probably blow up a 700lb piece of gold if I had dynamite, kelley. (Cause blowing up shit is cool, and worth about 700lbs of gold;))

As far as killing osama bin laden is concerned, I do think he at least needs be confined to a floating mirror in space, and since we don't have the technology of krypton, the only other way he can be set apart from all other huMONs is for him to die. I think that he will kill again.

I guess my attempts to use non-subjective scales has failed miserably, although, cahlen, I think that I have proved that you can look at the rock non-subjectively (as I did, but you ignored) and see that they are valued less than huMONs.

I was just wondering, if you think that rocks think they're more valuable than huMONs. Cause I would really like to meet a rock that could think. (preferably without being on shrooms)

Cliff: I was pretty sure I explained how I actually did use the definition correctly, several times in fact, and honestly I'm pretty tired so I give up. And I think you'd be surprised how easy it is for a "stable" person such as yourself to be driven over the edge. And you know what, I really don't think that makes you a bad person or any of us bad people. People do things while insane all the time, yet we excuse them because they are unbalanced. But anyone who does something such as kill or rape someone is unbalanced, or deviated from what we call the norm yet we then call them evil, thought there were circumstances that were out of his control that got him there. You may not realize it, but whatever happens in your mind could be considered a very complex chain reaction that started at birth and ends at death. This is also affected by your enviroment, and you really have no control of either. So I don't understand why christianity says your "soul" is responsible for what the mind does. Besides, in helping that homeless man to lunch you could unknowingly ruin someone elses day. Maybe someone else wanted to give him lunch and you beat him too it and now he doesn't get the satisfaction and he has a horrible day because of it. You just never know what will be the effect of your actions. And when I say universal scheme of things it is undefined because there simply is no universal way of things, it's all in our freakin minds! ANd that is the point I am trying to get across. And I'm confused as to why you think I have a sad outlook on life. I have found this outlook much more fulfilling than anything Christianity had to offer me. Besides, even if I was "sad" because of my outlook, it is foolish to determine i am wrong simply on that factor. Let's say there is a fire in the house. I am going nuts yelling and screaming because of the fire. You say, well Cahlen's gone balistic therefore him saying there is a fire must be incorrect. Your reasoning is that obsurd.

Tim: You ask me whether rocks think. No, why does that matter? Does the ability to think make us more valuable than things that don't. I'm sorry maybe I missed something. I am asking you what scale you have devised to come to the conclusion that human life is more valuable than anything else, and so far you haven't come up with one that you can give any reason for being valid. And that was the way I was trying to get my point across that there is no scale.

Kev: I would accept Tim's scale of feeling, action, energy, and so forth if he could tell me why that scale is valid. He just seems to think that this is something that is universally accepted by everyone and thus is valid. Now yes, it may be, but WHY!? And saying that there are just some things we can't understand is a cop-out. If you are going to resort to that one everytime you're in a debate you might as well not have shown up.

Okay, I am home now and I finally partake in this conversation. I am going to go back a ways since I have not had my say. First Cahlen, you have not used the entire definition of selfish.

Selfish: Caring supremely or unduly for one's self; regarding one's own comfort, advantage, etc., in disregard, or at the expense, of those of others. (it's the second part of that you are not taking into account, because not all self-interest is in disregard or expense of others.

In killing a person, you would be acting in a manner that is at the expense of others. Giving that man a sandwich is not hurting him in anyway, thus the act is not selfish.

As for the worth part, I have to side with Kevin on this one in saying that the "universal scheme of things" is undefined. There is no way Humans or any other life form for that matter is worth the same as a rock. And if you really do believe all these things you proclaim, I am sorry, for you must have a sad outlook on life.

And as for the "evil man" not being wrong or evil in killing someone else because of his outlook on life, I will ask this question again: If that man raped and tortured a 2 year old baby to death, is he evil? His circumstances growing up might be different and he may see things differently and his "mindset" may tell him that raping, torturing, and killing this baby is okay. But is it okay? My mindset is different and I have that "nice-guy" image of myself and he may not. But is it wrong and evil to do this to a tiny, innocent child? No matter the mindset or circumstances of ones views.

piss... piss... :) :P

Ummm, does anyone get the feeling that this is turning into a pissing match of some sort?

Cahlen, basically the statement you are making about the rock is this: (as I understand it)

"I accept no scale as valid in comparing a human to a rock, thus there is no comparison of a human to a rock, and thus, they must be equal in worth and value."

Since you seem to not accept the scale of feeling, action, energy and so forth, exactly what scale would you like Tim to use to compare homosapiens to rocks? If you cannot present a scale of comparison, then what is the point in making the comparison in the first place?

Also, what is the "universal scheme of things"? You seem to talk like you have a vantage point above all that is, was and will be... You are making an awful lot of assumptions about life, the universe, and umm... rocks. It seems to me that there are certain things for which you CANNOT devine an answer. Certainly our value in the universe is one of these. But please, do not criticize Tim for "not questioning" his worth, when you find yourself in the opposite extreme.

Instead of arguing in opposition to what Tim posts (devil's advocate) why don't you simply state how you feel about these things? What do you think your value is? Do you equate yourself to a rock? Or do you just like to argue its possibility? (If you think yourself a rock, then I might have a clue as to the origins of your self-proclaimed self-confidence problem. :) )

And finally, (I know, I know, long fucking post.) I understand where you were going in the first place with this argument and its a good one. A little humility never hurt anybody, and it is always good to question the things you take for granted. I don't want you to think I totally disagree with the spirit of this, its just the specifics that are bothering me.

BTW, I'm getting a little pissed at all this negativism. Can't we all just be friends and enjoy a good conversational debate? (This goes for Tim as well. Just cause Cahlen has interesting viewpoints does not make him a target for slander.)

PLAY NICE!

The energy composition was my attempt to quantify something without being subjective. I guess if you used mass, some rocks would really be worth more than humans. So are you saying a rock thinks that rocks are more important than people? Do you think that rocks think?

Of course as humans we are going to value human life above that of rocks. Thus there is a subjective value for human beings above that of rocks. So of course I'm not going to blow you up, Tim, for any sum less than a few million while a rock I'd just blow up because it'd be really cool. But in the universal scheme of things there is no difference between us and the rock, and that is my point. I'm a little confused how you think energy composition has anything to do with this.

I know you haven't replied yet, but I was at lunch and some others brought up some good points, like, can you be raised by rocks? Would you trade a human life for a rock?

According to Physics, the energy in a human is more than that of a rock, this gives a value for each, and the value for a human is better. Not that I think that energy is a good way to describe someone but you wanted hard evidence, something not based on "feelings". Well, there you go.

In other news, at my party on friday night, I found I can be quite socially inept in some crowds. When I know people I'm free to express myself and not be an idiot, but when I'm trying to "impress" a girl, I have a hard time staying interesting. I think this may be one of the reasons why I have the whole problem with girls, or maybe it's just a side effect.

So, if everything is of equal value... (I'll give you that we human's determine in our minds what we value and what not, but I'll still try and argue the point that you believe that human life is worth more than a rock)

What you are saying is, if I had a stick of dynamite and some sum of money you would, a) not blow up a rock for any sum less than that of what you would blow up a human for, or you would kill a human for the same sum of money as you would for destroying a rock.

Now let's think about this... how much would you blow up a rock for? I mean in all honesty... do you care for that rock as much as you do for your own family? Would you blow up your family for 50 bucks? how about a rock?

And really, am I the only person that thinks this?

Pain is simply a your body telling the mind that something is wrong. It's the body trying to stay alive. How does the fact that we have this response make us more valuable than a rock. You can't believe that I am arguing this with you because the belief you have that human life is more valuable than anything else is completely ingrained in your mind. It's something you've filed away as "don't question", well I merely asking you to question it. I can see no reason why human's are more important than anything therefore I currently think that theu aren't. Now I'm asking you to try and convince me otherwise because honestly it'd be easier to think that human's were special for some reason. And yes a hole is a hole, but think of all the chaffing....

hmm... rocks... looking solely at energy, a human contains more energy and is therefore worth more... given that rocks have NO neural networks, they cannot be hurt, so nothing you do to them cannot hurt them.

I CANNOT believe I am trying to argue this with you.... could you please give your reasoning that the rock is worth the same as a human?

I could probably find at least 20 people on this earth that I am NOT a nice guy. So what does that have to say about my nice guy image? Do you think really I'm not a nice guy? Do you think I'm a fucking asshole? Cause I think I am a fucking asshole.

so you think my giving him my lunch is disregarding his hunger? Because, given selfishness, I would force him to eat my sandwich because I want him too. OR to say that regardless of what HE wants I'm giving him my sandwich. I think that I'm not "Caring supremely or unduly for one's self" when I give him my sandwich to him. Considering I still need to eat, in fact, I'd say I was jipping myself. True I could buy another one, but really, that's time and energy that I can never get back. I can't believe I'd be so unselfish as to give him my sandwich, WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING. I'm taking my sandwich back cause I'm hungry dammit. I guess I should have just disregarded his hunger and ate the fucking sandwich, since I can't get it back now. I'm sooooo fucked.

Some guys at work brought up that you can't fuck a rock... But I reminded them, as I'm sure you would have, "a hole's a hole"

Tim, disgregard does not mean you are hurting someone. I simply meant you make the decision truly for yourself not the homeless guy. That could be called disregard for that person. Yes you took the man into consideration, and you figured it would a nice thing to do to give him lunch, thus you are being consistent with your nice guy image, thus you give him your lunch, and you feel good about yourself.

Seeing my point and being persuaded are two different things remember.

How about you try to explain to me how a human being is more valuable than a rock, I think that would rather interesting...

Cahlen, in your example of giving your lunch to a homeless person I failed to see where you are doing this supremely for one's self "in disregard, or at the expense, of those of others." Where are you hurting someone by giving them your lunch?

In all honesty Cahlen, I AM TRYING to see your point, but you're not persuading me in the slightest. If your idea for this post is to get people to understand you, you may want to find some equal ground and work from there. To say that a rock is just as important as a sentient being? Umm... okay, if you break a rock, what do you get? Lotsa rocks:) So maybe breaking rocks is how they reproduce... I mean, since energy can't be destroyed or created, and matter is just a storage container for energy.I guess we could just measure things by how much energy is in each peice of matter... or maybe not....

Yes, it's weird how I would give a persons life more value than a rock... am I crazy or am I just an automaton?

Tim, I think the defintion of selfish you posted us the kind I am talking about. Yes, I AM saying we make these choices with disregard for the other person. Our intentions just tend to be to be what we think is in the others favor because it lives up to our idea of who we are in society and how we act. Did I not make that clear? Tim you are uncomfortable with the way I use selfish because you associate selfish with bad. I'm simply trying to get you to see it differently, as human. I am going to be extreme here and say that I think the act of killing someone is the same thing as giving your lunch to a homeless man. It's a selfish act and one is simply more accepted by society. The latter keeps with your image of a nice guy, and the former to some person who's evaluation of the world he lives in quite far off from the yours and mine. And yes society should put him away because he is a danger to the rest of us, but it is not an evil act. There are circumstances that put that person in that mindset, just as there circumstances that put you in yours. You would not kill someone because it is ingrained in you that it is very wrong, and thus you would feel very badly about yourself because you are not being consistant with your nice-guy self. SImply because that man has been through different circumstances than you that has causes him to be the way he is how can you say he is an evil man? Our minds are much more fragile than we think, normal people are driven over this edge all the time. And of course we think killing is wrong. We are human and we think of ourselves as more important than everything else. So we kill animals, its the same freakin thing, in all reality you are not any more special than a deer. We crush rocks, in all reality you are not more precious than a rock. Simply because we are a little more complicated than these things we are more valuable. I wouldn't even say we are more complicated, simply different. YOu thinking murder is bad is your mind trying to keeps itself alive. It's instinct. Just as a deer will run when it sees danger, you will perserve yourself at all cost and will think that your life is very valuable. But outside of your head you are no different than everything else.

I know I'm going to get reamed for this one....

Cahlen: my whole point is that it would be stupid for me to do that, and I don't think you'd be alone in thinking that. As for cliff's point, it is the WHOLE point of right vs. wrong. It is not off subject, it is a defence to a no-truths world. Cliff's point was that over every religion and group of people there is a right, such as saving the child, and a wrong, killing the child. You said that there was no universal right and wrong. If you take the discussion from the internet, what will the internet have to look forward to reading?:)

sorry, I'll get off my high horse now:(

oops, I fell back on, also, your definition for selfishness is too broad. Self-interest is a better way of phrasing what you are trying to say, I think.

and now for a definition lesson
Selfish: Caring supremely or unduly for one's self; regarding one's own comfort, advantage, etc., in disregard, or at the expense, of those of others. (it's the second part of that you are not taking into account, because not all self-interest is in disregard or expense of others.

self-interest \Self`-in"ter*est\, n. Private interest; the interest or advantage of one's self. - Although this is only one deifinition. and basically in other definitions it's the same thing as selfishness.

As far as your good vs. evil. The point is there are millions of choices a day that don't cause other people harm that we may choose on a whim. (where I'm eating lunch and shit like that.) I don't think selfish is the best term you could have chosen for this discussion. Especially if you wanted people to listen to your point.

Cliff: I would like to sit down and chat with you sometime about what you said. It really brings up a whole new issue which I really don't think is presented best in writing.

Kev: I thought I said how it makes that selfish in the very post you are responding to. In making the choice to do what you did, you weighed the consequences. Whether you did this conciously or not it is simply human to weigh the consequences before making a decision. And it is also human to choose the action which you have come to the conclusion will make you more comfortable living in the world you live in. And we all live in a different world because we try to make sense of it with the info we have. We all have different info, therefore we live in different worlds and will make different decisions. When I say the "world" we live in, I mean how we evaluate things, and we all evaluate different things differently. So when I say your choice was selfish, I mean in your own best interest in some way or another, and not just necessarily in a way that's plain to see as in she get's the lollipop and I don't, but you feel better because you gave her the lollipop. It's consistent with the "nice-guy" way you see yourself, and subconciously you decided that was more valuable to you than few minutes of lolli-pop goodness. So I'm trying to explain my stance the best I can, you don't have to agree, this wouldn't be any fun if we all agreed, but at least let me know if I'm getting my point across so that it's somewhat understandable. When I say selfish I don't mean BAD!!! I mean it's human to do things with our self interest in mind, frankly i think it's impossible to do while in the human mindset. I do think it's possible to go beyond that mindset, but that's a whole other huge topic.

Tim: I would not consider you a martyr, I would more likely consider you an idiot, but that'd just be my opinion which of course I would be entitled to. :)

I'm sorry Cahlen, I thought your question was rhetorical. So your asking me if I did a nice thing because I thought it the right thing to do? Absolutely. How does that make the act selfish?

Cahlen, I once took an ethics class and during a discussion on Good vs. Evil and Right vs. Wrong, we came up with this definition. There are elements of pure "evil" and pure "good". An example: Raping and torturing a two year old baby girl to death is evil. It is evil in every religion, every nation, every class of society. On the other hand, rescuing a two year old baby girl from a burning building at the cost of one's own life is good in every religion, every nation, every class of society. I am sorry for the gruesome descriptions but they help get my point across. Of course, practically everything between the extremes is a shade of grey.

As for the other point about selfishness. I believe that Kevin has a point. Not every act out there is for a selfish reason. I know that if I saw a baby trapped in a burning building, I would try to recue that person. It would be on pure instinct, a true selfless act. There would be no doing it because I want to live up to some standard I have set for myself. And I do things like that everyday, just not to that extreme.

I could go on, but I'll leave my entry short.

BTW- sorry for the long post everyone

In other news, we watched "boys & girls" tonight. That claire forlani is a HOTTIE!!!:) I won't spoil it for those who haven't seen it, but it makes me laugh in some parts. And the whole, I like her, but she doesn't like me (which isn't really a problem for freddie prinze jr., but that's a whole other story) is something that hits close to home for me:)

Also, in reponse to cahlen, who is entitled to his opinions... Do you really think that it is not wrong to take another persons life? I think we should celebrate life, not destroy it. Bin laden has rid the world of thousands of amazing individuals that we'll never know, but that meant so much to so many. We are engaged in a "war on terrorism" that will cost lives of countless of individuals... all for the life of one man.... Don't get me wrong, I think Osama Bin Laden should die. I just wish the cost weren't so high. People shouldn't have to go to war. This planet is large enough to hold us all.

Would you consider me a martyr, cahlen, if I went to SPU and nailed myself to a cross in Martin Square and died, and stuck a sign on me that said, "remember christ"? (not necessarily in that order)

You talk about being subjective(our own point of view) but going outside of our own point of view is impossible. You can never fully understand another person, for they will have been places you've never been and you will never know what they've experienced. They can tell you about it all they want, but until you've done it(and then sometimes maybe not even then), you can NEVER fully know.

Kev, just because I thought in terms of right and wrong does not mean that they exist. I meant that it would be the right thing to do to compliment the idea of me being someone who does nice things. And were you thinking of answering my question maybe?

Dejah I loved the movie Starman! I haven't seen that for ages!

"...I did it because I felt it was the right thing to do..." so you do believe in right and wrong? I'm confused.

Why must we confine the world to our own point of view?

no cahlen, running planes into buildings is evil, it will always be evil.

How can running planes into buildings be called evil? If you were one of those guys celebrating on the other side of the world you wouldn't think so, you'd think those people were matyrs. Evil is completely subjective.

Response to Dej: Keep in mind that when I say selfish I'm not saying it's wrong. And just for the record I believe there is one kind of love that is selfless, but it's not anything we have been talking about. Love is such a broad term.

hmm... well, now that cahlen has bitched to me about not posting about the shit on blogger... I guess I'll throw in my $.02.

as far as love goes, I think it is selfless, cause I think cahlen has too broad a definition for selfish. I think if cahlen had his way, nothing would be selfless. Even the guy who is a bodyguard (who takes a bullet), would be doing it for the fame of himself after he were dead. But really, how many dead bodyguards do we ever hear about?

Good vs. evil?... I think evil things can be done. Running planes into buildings can definately be characterized as being evil. Going to hospitals to visit sick children is definately characterized as being good. Do good things and evil things exist, yes. Can everything be categorized into these 2 categories, no.

In response to Kelley, I think that you can love someone that doesn't love you. I will probably always love some of the girls from my past, yet they do not love me. I would like reciprocal love, but for these people it will never be, but I will never stop loving them....

I need to get back to bed, I have running in the morning and I need to write emails. See you all tomorrow...

Kev, I too have done things for random people whom I will never see again. It's true that in no apparent way would it have benefited me, but I know that if I examine my thinking at that moment I made the choice to do so I did it because I felt it was the right thing to do, therefore making me a "better person" or just living up to image I might have for myslef as a nice guy. Can you really say your situation was different?

I think it might be nice to clarify exactly what type of love you're all talking about. It seems to me, that for the most part, Cahlen was referring to the more "romantic" love. And he catagorizes it as "selfish." But I remember being taught that love was actually selfless. This brings to mind a quote from the movie Starman. Define love: "Love is when you care more about another person than you do for yourself." A perfect example of this love was a man from Nazareth. On a more personal level, Cahlen, may I remind you of your own father? You know what I mean.

Good vs. Evil? In my opinion, nothing in this world is evil until a person makes it so. It all hinges on our own freedom to choose how we will use our abilities to reason, to create, to destroy, and love.

I understand, and in most cases agree with your estimation of the human species: most of the time we do things based upon a "selfish" reasoning. But I don't think that is always the case. I think there are rare moments in a lifetime that are truly selfless. I can think of times that I have done things that have been selfless... good deeds towards totally random people, that I will never ever see again. What could I possibly gain from such an encounter? (Other than a good feeling I suppose, but that was not the motivator in the specific instance I have in mind.)

Perhaps in the end, I do good things because I have the selfish motivation of wanting to be a decent human being?

I think there is something deeper that you are hitting upon here Cahlen. The one flaw I see in your logic, is that you make the assumption that an act of selflessness must stand in stark contrast to something which benefits oneself. Rather, I think the key is in the motivation to such actions. It just happens to be the result, that when you help others, you tend to benefit in one way or another :)

Now, you've gone and brought up the topic of right and wrong. I suppose this is a question everyone comes to in their lives, and from what I've seen, this isn't a question that can be answered by pure logic. Perhaps there is a <gasp> spiritual element involved here? Too often, I think, people make the mistake of assuming that if something cannot be proven, it thus must be false, or non-existant.

I hope talking about this stuff isn't a defensive, pissed off kind of thing for you Cahlen. It isn't for me. I enjoy the mental acrobatics :) (In point of fact, this is one of the reasons I fell for Jenny, but I suppose that is another story for another time... don't take that to mean that I'm falling in love with you though buddy. Jeez, you have a dirty mind.)

Sorry for the long post Tim, I forgot about my rule.

and now for the feminine Hygiene song.

I would like to thank kevin for posting shorter entries:)

also, Training day gets 2 thumbs up, but I was a little lickherd so don't quote me on that:)

I just first want to say this:

Your advice on not waiting for someone to pursue me or me waiting to make a move until I know their is interest on their part is very good advice. I just wanted to make it clear that this is not a code of conduct I follow, and it is not "self-advice." I realize that's it's not a good way of going about things, and I am being honest with myself and you guys when I said I have this problem. It just seemed to be me like you guys were trying to convince me my reasoning was all wrong when I had just told you that it was. I started to see that this and many others things including my self-esteem deficiency and "avoidance" as just symptoms of bigger problem. This is why I dropped out of SPU and am kind of laying low right now because I didn't want to waste what could be great years in college. Just taking some time to check out the situation.

In response to the love thing not being selfish here's my rebutal: You're all wrong.... Yup everyone of ya. Well I gotta go catch y'all later!

Okay, maybe I better explain my stance here. I think you are under the impression that when I say Love is selfish, that I mean "bad". This is not the case though, and what I mean is this. Can you really say that anything you do is not a selfish act in some form or another? Can you really think of anything you would choose to do is selfless? Cliff you say that their are up and down times in a relationship, but in the end you choose to stay in the relationship. Why? Because it is a situation you want to be in. It does something for you that gives you the desire to see that it continues. Even if it's a relationship of complete servitude, it is not selfless because you would not do it unless it did something for you, even if that is just the warm/gooey feeling that you get when helping someone. If you choose to do it you believe that it's in your own best interest to do so. So anyway, I don't really think just because something is selfish means it's wrong. Frankly I don't believe in such a thing as right and wrong, now if any of you would like to question that one, I'll certainly try and rise to the challenge.

(By the way when I say right and wrong, I mean more evil vs. good. Right vs. Wrong could be confused as whether something is the most efficient means to an end. I mean it more as the universal law type.)

(And just so y'all don't think I'm talking about this "love" stuff without any personal experience in the matter, I had a very long "loving" one and a half year relationship a few years back. So I do know the difference between "love" and lust. Just had to get that off my chest. I just got the impression from both Cliff and Kev that you think I have no clue what I'm talking about.)

I don't post here that often, but this is too delicious to resist. Cahlen, love = selfish? What you speak of is lust, and that goes away all too quickly. Love is something much different. When you think of your parents Cahlen, do you see selfishness in the way they treat you or each other? Love is the thing that comes after that initial attraction. It is sometimes not easy, and if it were entirely selfish, there would be no reason to be IN love.

On another note, of course you like to be pursued. I know of no one who does not (Any objections?) The problem is, someone has to show interest first. This is a chicken/egg scenario. You can't have the relationship without initial contact. I too have argued that it is unfortunate that in this society, men have been given the role of initiating relationships. But, that does not make the male side any harder than the female side of this. We experience rejection, just as girls do. Only, rejection to them, is when they are not asked out on a date. Think for a minute Cahlen, and ask yourself this: what if you didn't have to initiate, and only girls asked guys out. What if only girls you were not attracted to would ask you out? What if girls you didn't want were the ones that pursued you? The cold, hard truth is that if you do not pursue, you will end up alone, or with someone you didn't like in the first place. Don't rely on fate to provide you a mate. (I'm a lyrical gangsta...)

Trust me Cahlen, I speak from a position of experience when it comes to being pursued by da ladies. (Ask me sometime, I'll tell you the stories.) It's flattering, but it is not always the thing for which to hope.

I hope the above statement didn't sound too egotistical. (It wasn't meant to be.)

The short of which, is this: love is a commitment, from one person to another. It is not sex, it is not a "feeling." It is so much more than that.

Cahlen, I will reply to your statements in two parts. First, love is not selfish. In fact, love is the most precious gift that one can give. And I am referring to the kissy, smoochy love. Not every relationship is comprised of love. Actually, very few are based on love, most on lust; especially for young people. I have been in a relationship for almost four years now and to be honest, love is very difficult. It isn't a warm, fuzzy feeling, it is a decision. Sure there are a lot of great moments, but there are some very tough ones as well. That is where love comes in. You can always stay with a person when things are great, everyone is all giggles. But when the tough times come, the deaths in the families, the arguments and nights of no sleep. That is where you have to reach down and find if you really love the person and support them. That is why love is not selfish. Many times love is not fun at all.

As for the other part, I used to want to be persued as well. That comes from a lack of confidence. It is hard to risk rejection, I know, I have been there. But in the long run, it is worth it. Not everyone is going to blatently show you that they want you. And the people that do will probably be the ones you don't want anyways! In response to Deja, the guy doesn't always have to take the initiative, but if you are interested in a person than go for it. What do you really have to loose? A little ego? If a girl says no, there is nothing lost. The only wierd feelings will be yours and for those, get over them. But don't say that you are not remotly interested in girls that don't show that they are interested in you. If you follow that self advice, you are going to be lonely for a long time.

in other news, I've been drinking all weekend and it's sunday and I have to work today, so I won't drink so much and I'll have more to talk about then... Sorry for not replying to email yet, but as I come up for air, I'll get more writing done.
G'night

All right, I'll put myself on the line. I'm not afraid to be bashed!

You're right it's nice to be pursued. I know that even if I'm not interested in the guy if he asks, it's still flattering. People would call me old fashioned because I believe that the guy should take the initiative. That's not to say that its my job to sit back and wait until one comes knocking on my door. I still have to make contact with other guys. Last spring I went to Starbucks to meet a guy that my parents knew I was interested in. He didn't know I was coming, but I thought it was pretty obvious that I was there to "check him out." I've seen him several times since then, and we both seem to have an interest in each other. But nothing else has happened. Maybe he's waiting for me to ask him out while I'm waiting for him to ask me out. Anyway, I suppose it depends on your point of view. But I really feel like I should wait for him to make the next move. It probably has alot to do with the way I was raised.

I was telling Tim that it seems like only more aggressive women seem to pursue men. On the other hand, more aggressive men are the ones that pursue women. All it really takes, though, is a little guts to put yourself on the line and take a chance. You'll never get anywhere otherwise. And the girl, (or boy) will never know you like them. I've heard rumors that guys have had crushes on me, but I never found out who they were because they never came forward.

I appreciate your response Jenny, and I suppose you are right for the most case. But I think we need to remember that all people classified as "men" are not the same. I may be an oddity, but I know that I prefer to be pursued and find absolutely no appeal in seeking after another without knowing they show the same kind of interest. I could go into why I think I'm this way, but ugh... that'd take too much thinking and typing. In short it's completely selfish, but isn't love a selfish thing? (When I say love in this case I mean the girl/guy kissy/smoochy kind.) And if anyone wants to disagree with me here, you're welcome to do so, but I will DESTROY your argument! MWA HAHAHAHA!!! Uh, yeah...

I'll write more tomorrow...

All in all a GREAT night though. Dinner with a GREAT friend, and then drinks with different friends.

Lotsa meeting new peeps. Might have another party to go to tomorrow night.

(Un)fortunately, I am not drunk:(

Hey Amidy, I was just wondering why you think it is the guy's duty to go out on the limb. It is true that some of us men whine about the situation, but from what I hear some of you women suffer from the same mindset of "why hasn't anyone of quality noticed me as being something special" that you criticise us for. Yes its ture girls want to be pursued, but so do men. I'm just interested in why you think it's the guys job. It seems to me that mindset just allows a women to sit back and feel sorry for themsleves all the more. It's just an excuse as I see it, not saying that we don't have our own.

Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

is it just me, or does only getting one side of the conversation here seem kinda weird? Kinda like hearing a friend on the phone talking to someone. weird.

Anyways... it's Friday night, and i'm chillin at home. wow. thrills. chills. It's so exciting I can't describe it. I need a life!

watch as they sleep.
call out in the dark.
waste no time
in saving the last drop.
spend it while you can.
before the invaders
steal your heart
right out from under your
nose.

Arthur: Old woman!
Old woman: Man!
Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle.
Man: I'm thirty-seven.
Arthur: What?
Man: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.
Arthur: Well I can't just call you man.
Man: You couldn've said 'Dennis'
Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well, you didn't bother to find out did you?
Arthur: I did say sorry about the old woman but from behind you looked-
Dennis: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior.
Arthur: Well I AM king.
Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how did you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to our dated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society.
Lady: Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here! OH! How do you do?
Arthur: How do you do good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britains.
Lady: King of the who?
A: The Britains.
L: Who are the Britains.
A: Well, we all are. We are all Britains. And I am your king.
L: I didn't know we had a king, I thought we were an autonomous collective.

Ni!

The interesting thing is, Amidy, I can't remember the last time I saw a single girl my age. Guess I'll have to give up a job or something, so I can go out and get my one true love;)

Sorry, I'm just being pissy:)

Amidy is funny:) Of course I think anyone that gets pissed off is funny. So, I guess I could rephrase that to say, Amidy is pissed off. :)

Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies, or be ashamed of reading such timeless classics as Lolita. There is a pestilence upon this land.

I went running this morning at 6 am this morning... argh the humanity...

In other news, I'm giving up lolita for the time, going on to the philip yancey book...

Also, I'm loving the "violent Femmes" right now

thanks for breaking the monotony Aaron:)

Kevin is watching "trekkies" this is most stupid ass shit I've seen... These people NEED a life. Throughout the show they're like "trekkies" are normal people, but everything I've seen here points to a different conclusion

hmm... do you think the ones that you loved will always be able to hurt you by just being?

alright... so I thought I'd post to break up the whole Tim post run thing going on right now.

So I'm most of the way moved into my room. I decided to not stay late at work today to put more stuff away. I only have like 4 more boxes in my room to go through right now (they're all small too, woo hoo!), so it's looking better. I can actually walk around without hitting anything on the floor. Amazing.

Also... I only have around 3 weeks left working... unless I can somehow manage to get on another team that is actually working on projects between November and February. That's not impossible or anything right now. Oh the joys of looking forward to unemployment (too bad I'm not an eternal optimist, or that sentence would have sounded like: I can't believe all the opportunities for change in my life!).

Anyhowie... that's all for now.

lesse- today s mucho better... We're playing multiplayer, so you don't have stupid computer to play against:) Plus it's 7 on 8 so it can get pretty hairy....

hmm... only 4 hours of work left today:)

PS - I feel "dirty" for reading lolita... oh well, I guess it's good for building character

PS- why doesn't kevin write more often? I think he should cause I always find his posts amusing(as long as he's not talking about tire width:P)

also, truth is cool

In other news, JEBe, I have no recollection of saying that Amidy was going to invite "sluts".

I was just hoping that I'd get laid there and that it could be someone I didn't know cause then there would be no awkwardness afterward:)

In other OTHER news, I'm sleepy

So, I've been rather bitchy recently... sorry:)

True funny conversation at work today:
per1: we should move to the metric system for time
per2: yeah, that'd be cool
per1: we could have 100 second mintues
per2: and 100 minute hours
per3: and 1000 hour days
per1: think about the amount of overtime you could get in one day
per3: as long as you still only had to sleep 8 hours

I thought it was funny:)

today I get to listen to the new Tori Amos CD while playing my games...
She has a real cool remake of "Enjoy the silence" by depeche mode...

Also, did I tell you how cliff got to dance with Rachael Leigh Cook a couple weekends back?

That bastard:)

in other news, today, I'm feeling rather down/pissed... maybe i'm just being pissed at a coworker who is an idiot/asshole...

hmm... an eclectic taste in music?...

The vinyl I own as of right now...
Creedance Clearwater Revival
Jewel
Mudhoney
Greenday
System of a down

argh, work...

well, enough of this sappy shit...

I worked hella long yesterday... 9-6 6:30 -10 then 11- 1... argh in my eye...

I need more sleep, I was falling asleep playing video games today:(

In other news, I'm reading Lolita now.

PS - I hate being mocked, I'm sensitive, be careful with me cause I'd like to stay that way

SPU internet is slow. Everyone and their mother wants to play on the internet at night. Why don't they just go to bed and let Dejah get her fast internet?

Gordon Lightfoot is a stud. And skinny too.

Well, it's nice to know that you still think we are beautiful. With us though, it's nice to actually hear it from you or else we'll never know. We'll think that you're not talking to us because you're not interested. But, I feel the same way about guys sometimes. What do I do if I have a crush on them? Well, I guess that's what flirting is for.

More stories of tim being a puss...

This one time sophomore year, I saw this girl that I thought was really cute, but I never talked to her, and also I would visit her floor often cause I had friends over there. Anyway, she finally came and introduced herself cause I think that the noticing was mutual. And then I felt like an ass cause really I should have had the balls to just go introduce myself... But then I pussed out even more, cause I think she may have liked me, but then I never pursued it.

Oh what might have been...

hmm... So I think I just had the longest working day ever... not really, I only worked from 9-6 and then 6:30 - 10 and then 11 - 1am...

It just seems lond and then I had to go to sleep and now I'm awake again...

here's some insight for some of you ladies maybe... Usually, at least for me, we are a little intimidated by your beauty, some of us (not me), to the point of not being able to talk to you. I figured out that basically, we just have to qualm our fears and the worst you can do is knee us in the groin, and you've never actually done that to me.... Just thought that you might want to know that in case you thought we didn't think you are beautiful, we just don't want to spoil our chances, so we don't take our chances:(

In a related story, I once asked a girl on a date on email and that was the stupidest thing I think I've done, cause then I had to wait until she checked and then replied instead of just going to her and having her tell me that she doesn't like me like that:) Hmm... did I learn from that mistake?

Also, I've found that I can have confidence in some situations, but not in others.... I've finally stopped trying to impress girls and just be myself and see if they like that... But I dunno, it doesn't seem to work, but then again, I haven't seen a girl in 2 weeks....

hmm... is cahlen sick, or does he just like to sleep lots?

They took Taco Bell out of Falcon's landing last year and replaced it with Tierra del Sol. It sucks. I want Taco Bell back. And, the very last year I am here, they decided to change everything from phones to mailboxes. Some dumb-ass ordered the new mailboxes in columns of 9, and didn't realize it. So now everyone with a mailstop ending in 0 has to get assigned a new one. I'm so glad we have competent people working for this school.......

as far as I can tell, Cahlen's been asleep since at least 6:15pm (probably sooner since he usually goes to bed around like 10 or 11ish...

Silly boy, speaking of silly boys... It's now 1:10 and I'm still awake cause I wanted to finish a book

argh... what silly torture we put our bodies through to get through a story....